Quest for Clarity

pure_energy

2009-03-29T20:59:00.001-04:00

Done_on_Wordle

Crazy_Talk

2009-03-28T14:07:00.003-04:00

CRAZY TALK
Well, the “crazies in my head” are nattering on about how I shouldn’t be doing what I am doing;
something to do with being in violation of their laws and customs.
Sheesh! Get a life, I say.
I also say that I wish I were back home
in the land of the brave and the home of the free, whenever that was.
I guess that’s why I liked the whole “Little House in the Big Woods”scene;
just getting away from all the “voices” of self appointed authorities who think they have the right to dictate to me how I am to live my life.
Just being on the same planet as these people makes me want to go away
or have them all go away.
I am so willing to live and let live.
I really don’t want to tell people how to live their lives.
I just want to “do my thing”, whatever that happens to be at any given moment.

OK now I am thinking about how I so totally do not find any merit in
the custom of matrimony.
The whole romance thing is just too tacky to me.
It is predicated on being false to your own Self or to another. Gross!
One MUST be true to one’s Self or perish;
for if you are not true to yourself, your Self will disown you and then where are you?
I say this from very painful experience.
This is why I am ever-so-less-than enthused about the whole election brou-ha-ha.
It has been said that the election paradigm is like a race of mammals, which are governed by rather large reptiles.
On election day the mammals get to pick which reptile they want governing them.
OK I have nothing against reptiles; after all they build good roads. Whatever.
I have nothing against roads either.
It’s all good. Whatever floats your boat, pumps your nads, rings your chimes, man.
I just want to be able to eternally do what I do,
which is enjoying myself and the world around me.
Why does this feel like such a crime?
Lazy, selfish, irresponsible; the holy trinity of my nature.
This is why I am suicidal or escapist or dissociative or whatever the “experts” label whatever it is I am doing at any given moment, which is always changing.
I get along so well with myself
and with other people when they let me be and do their thing,
and sometimes it’s cool to show and tell, too.
Share experiences. Share processes and insights.
What is this vibe surrounding me right now?
The Old School vibe; do as you are told, obey authorities,
don’t trust yourself or others, don’t ask questions, don’t make stuff up.
If you pass tests you will be rewarded.
(of course that IS true, but the Universe or Natural Law rewards you , not some external authority)
So what I am electing for myself is Personal Sovereignity.
I am the Divinely appointed authority over my own life and whatever I feel responsible toward.
(Like my shoes, or body or dishes)
Why does this all sound so radical. It’s just good sense.
Maybe other people are not like me and have different ideals.
But that is mine. I have to be able to live with myself. Wherever I go, there I am.
I don’t really have a problem with my family in this respect.
They are fairly respectful, I imagine.
Well, guess this is part and parcel of being creative, or “an artist”.
I could say that is my religion or policy.
I am an artist.
I create beauty and harmony wherever I go, even if it gets torn down time after time. That’s not what matters.
What matters is the doing of it,
the state of mind one enters during the creative process.
Part of this for me is the experiencing of other creative people and their expressions.
This includes video games and movies, etc. or a creatively lived life.
Social artistry.
Having a beautiful living area with meager resources.
Staying cool is artistry.

Amnesiac Cherubim

2008-05-04T05:13:00.003-04:00

At my mom's with cable TV...sheesh...I am pondering the entire political debacle in this world.
Yikes! I would certainly kill myself if I did not remember that I do not belong to this system, I am only here to observe (and, obviously, to comment..)
But it sure looks stupid to me. I mean, people seem to know a whole lot less and seem to be less and less able to be kind to themselves and each other, than the last time I was back here.
"When will they ever learn, when will the ever learn?" -" (Where Have All the Flowers Gone" by Pete Seeger) (someday soon, I hope)
I suppose the people who haven't learned will be returned here to become the millions of life forms they have destroyed, or the peoples they have downtrodden so they could have more stuff.
There is nothing wrong with being rich. but richness serves best when it takes the form of an ability to appreciate, first one's Self, then the Others, for all are important.
"When I lay claim to nothing, seems everything's mine." Right now it just seems like people are using their energies to appease some entity who does not know their hearts and doesn't care. Just to have more and more stuff, all the while depleting resources, both natural and human. And then not having the time to actually enjoy the fruits of their efforts. Oh well, it will all work itself out in the end, won't it? It always does.
This Apocalypse is being brought to you by "Netflix" and "Youtube"
Ta ta for now, y'all.

Metamorphosis

2007-04-23T11:34:00.000-04:00

Growth and life are messy processes. for instance, when an insect undergoes metamorphosis it literally comes unglued inside its cocoon.
At our house we are in the eternal midst of house renovations and have had some lovely results, but the process is totally chaotic.
I have these four utterly delightful sons, yet there were times when people said "these boys are out of control". If we had been living in this culture they likely would have been put on Ritalin or worse. I just thought they were delightfully energetic and imaginative, and so they are. But often rather messy. And so am I.
I figure, whatever I am going through, it's got to be good.
I found this quotation in a journal from my 36th year, I don't know where it came from originally.

"Quite simply, a belief in the good without a belief in the evil, may seem highly unrealistic to you. This belief, however, is the best kind of insurance that you can have, both during physical life and afterward....a belief in good without evil is actually highly realistic since in the physical life it will keep your body healthier, keep you psychologically free of many fears and mental difficulties and bring you a feeling of ease and spontaneity in which the development of your abilities can be better fulfilled.
Believing in evils, you will of course percieve them.
Your world has not tried this experiment...which would release you. The experiment...would operate on the basic idea that you create your own reality according to the nature of your beliefs anf that all existence id blessed and that evil does not exist in it."

As long as I am alive, I have one mandate - to trust mySelf , my process and my journey.
I figure we gotta be heading somewhere wonderful, cause it just keeps getting better. I pray that this attitude may spread so there is more good news in this world.

So, where were we?

2007-03-16T11:27:00.000-04:00

Hmm? Why did I choose this picture? Vision, higher view, higher conciousness..the guy up there has a better vista than the guys down below deck.
Anyway, I moved upstairs into Charlie's room, and I am loving it. I did my time in a basement (brought myself into abasement? haha)
In keeping with my thoery that I have actually died and gone to heaven, everything is cool and interesting. It's OK for me to be.
Lots of leisure,
Many interesting things to explore and experience.
And so much music! Wow! currently listening to Nick Drake
(where'd ye go, Nick? We scarcely knew ye).
Before that I was listening to Morphine.
For a few months all I was listening to was the Incredible String Band, which nourished my soul. Better' n vitamins.
And so it goes.
The point is that I am looking at this blog thing as another fun activity. I have heaps of journals and sketchbooks, but they don't do any good gathering dust in my room up there, so I will drag them out and bring 'em up into the light.
(Not to mention the day to day dramas that unfold around me rather intriguingly, which is a whole bunch of other stories. SO interesting. It would be cool to have a webcam in here so y'all could watch. REAL "Real World")
Update..I have a new roommate, Sandy. She was Sam's "boss"at the wellness center at Omega. Plus she knows Ben from there as well. (Everyone knows Ben) So, she's like part of the family already. She's the same age as Roberta and has the same birthday as Sam. We'll hava a party to welcome her sometime in the near future (We'll keep you posted)
Just to let you know, you are all welcome to stop by, eh? A nice cuppa tea?

Arrogant

2007-03-12T23:41:00.000-04:00

Satan is My Motor.
HEAR MY MOTOR PURR!

Geez. I am feeling really good about myself and my life. I know how I got here and why it is important. I want to roar and spit fire. Yeehah!
Well, not to belabor a point, but, yeah. My life is and has been so marvelous and interesting and so full of learning that I am overflowing and willing to share. My treasures have not been material. My life has been about making sense of life the universe and everything. I even know where the other dimensions are "hidden". (Think "Flatland" by Edwin Abbott)
So now, one step at a time, ever onward.
"Are we not drawn onward, we few, onward to new era?"
And upward.
The motto of New York State is "Excelsior, which means upward, or higher. Evolution.
Spiraling upward and onward into infinity. May we all enjoy the ride.

Yikes!

2007-03-08T22:30:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! Oh I guess no one ever reads this anyway. Quite frankly I am not quite sure what's going on and would certainly tell you if could make any sense out of it. But, you know I am real sure it is all good, and am having a great time. Baby steps, giant steps umbrella steps. But a feeling safe in the universe and love you all and everyone else, too, so...ah but I know you longer..maybe. Ah here comes the totally addled rantings of a totally deranged mind. Nah, never mind. Oh, OK. You'll twist my arm. Ok so you know how Charlie is moving out and new people in or at least sandy ann sinicki (Who knows if its the right spelling? Not I)Long story short, things are moving right along here, so, hey all the best and we'll see you whenever. I am so very tempted to delete this post as it is so very whackoid, but hey, ya gotta understand...is this dropping pebble into the void? Hey am I here all alone, oh well guess maybe things could be faster. I wish I had a web cam strapped to my head it is all just too much fun and TOO funny. Well it all is obviously extremely entertaining ,otherwise why would I be so engrossed in it, right? OK, onward to (I won't say greater) other things. Hey check the blog, ya never know...

baby's first movie

2006-12-07T14:35:00.000-05:00

This is what happens when you fool around...This was filmed at my uncle Bill's 85th birthday party last year. I loaned my camera to Theo to take videos of the Baby, but...I got it back 'cause it's mine and I am a selfish bitch. This is actually my second video. My first one was magnificent but Sam threw it in the trash and then emptied the trash. Jealous bitch!!! He just wishes he made it. Hmpf!!

Beneath the surface

2006-11-17T04:52:00.000-05:00

I am in a snarl. I have been having WAY too much contact with what is considered to be the "real world". YUCK!!!
My neighbor that I partied with is going back to the Mormon church. She sent the missionaries over here. Huh. Been there done that one, too. It is so BORING. might as well be dead, and I'd certainly rather be in hell doing great drugs than in their no-doubt-tedious and trite heaven. GeEz.
I went to an art thingie with wine and cheese afterward. They were all about how but no trace of why or what. What is Art? ...archival? conceptual? technique? True art can be smeared with menstrual blood onto a park bench.
Art says I am here. I am real. There are things in my heart and soul that I would like to share with you because it is too lonely otherwise. Oooohh! Look! Look! How beautiful! How mysterious!
I may indeed be crazy, (I AM) but if what goes on out there is sane, crazy is the only way to go. People, people! What are you thinking? Where is to joy, the transparency, the luminosity?
Why is there no magic in your life? What are you afraid of? Maybe it would be fun to actually live a bit before you die? Why choose so small?

Or perhaps there are no real people out there and you all are merely automata, concerned with money and statutes and real estate and other quantities?

"It's all about money
Ain't a damn thing funny
Gotta have a job
In this land of milk and honey"
-Grand Master Flash

Who wants to make love with automata? Besides it's against the "rules". Who's rules?
Beam me up Scotty! Sane folks is NUTS!

Actually, for the record, I tried sanity various times and just cannot develop a taste for it. Any therapy I've encountered is just cutting off your nose so you can't smell the shit you've gotta eat to be considered normal.
Choose your own adventure.

Back in Blog

2006-11-10T15:16:00.000-05:00

Curiouser and curiouser....My computer had been refusing to allow me access to this blog, so, of course, I haven't been writing anything.
But today, I spent the afternoon with my sister-in-law, Sari Botton, a professional writer, t get advice on how to get this enormous heap of material I have accumulated both in and out of notebooks and sketchbooks throughout my long wanderings. One suggestion she gave was to resume this journal, so I gave it one more try after having given up for the past few months.
And, voila! Ca marche! Hooray!
While I was waiting for her to arrive, I wrote this blurb in case she told me to send a cover to a publisher or some such.
The poem I inserted here is not my own. I found it somewhere. It perfectly characterizes where I have been at in my life, so I have adopted it. Thanks! to whoever wrote it, though.

I am the stranger, the perennial outsider, viewed with bemusement even by my own family; the black sheep, the "other" daughter. I have lived a life full of trials and adventures. And as I take pause to gaze back upon my journey, I realize it is time to speak up for myself and for others like me.

"Form breaks up in the Bacchanal dance of life.
When I ceased to know right from wrong
I ceased to worry.
Then people worried on my behalf, thinking I was mad.
But I rejoiced.
Drunk as a sailor on life's liquor, what did it matter?
I lived.
And the blaming eyes that followed me, embarrassed on my behalf,
Were not mine.
They mourned for me while I rejoiced for myself.
Now tell me, which of us was smartest?"

My journey has demanded that I play many roles; daughter, sister, wife, mother, virgin, whore. I have toiled in fields and factories, lived in the woods and in cities and homeless shelters. I've been a nurse's aide, teacher's aide, gravedigger, file clerk, and barista, (just a few of the many jobs I've held in my gnarly career path). The story I have to tell encompasses heavens and hells, within and without, squalor and splendor. I have lived my life surfing the thin line between madness and inspiration, shooting the curls with trepidation and panache. Included in my story are musings and ramblings about religion, sex, politics, agriculture, social practice. There are poems and pictures , real life experience and imaginative exercises. The totality is chaotic, yet coherent, giving an outline of one woman's reality. Perhaps this humble story will be of interest to souls puzzled and curious about this mad mystery we call life.
So, here I am, back on the page after a long summer vacation.
I am writing on behalf of the child hiding inside every adult, wondering if it will ever be safe to come out and play, wondering if it is true that "life's a bitch and then you die", wondering if the truth of their self will ever be welcome.
Good news. It is.

Ugly American and proud of it

2006-07-04T23:48:00.000-04:00

I had a lovely 4th of July with family and friends at Carisa (Charlie's girlfriend) 's place. No fireworks (Oh yeah, a couple of sparklers), just some barbequed stuff and a hot tub and making music. I sang for a long time, making stuff up to the accompaniment of Alan on conga and Mike on standup bass, and for a while, Theo on the bass. ..I didn't get in the hot tub., being otherwise engaged, mostly with Leone Lomax, my grandson.
Besides, I was so relaxed already. I remarked that if I was in the hot-tub, and someone poked me with something sharp, all my grease would leak out. Alan said, "Like the Exxon Valdez". Actually the imagery I had in mind was more like a sausage in a frypan.
This remark caused a bit of a kerfuffle, a little concern for my grip on reality, until I pointed out that it was hyperbole. Not everyone understands hyperbole, however.
I do love America, madly. What I like about the US ....jazz. Blues. And comic books. And rock'n' roll. And movies. And barbeque.It's fun. The big mish-mosh of influences and currents and being able to express it all loudly, expressively and publicly

better

2006-06-26T23:04:00.000-04:00

I just vented a lot of what was troubling me in my other ‘blog’…ish thing, “What is Art?”. Today I was feeling off. I had accumulated a lot of tension in my upper chest and shoulders, near the bones.
I wasn’t too sure where it came from. I had some idea, though, but wasn’t handling it real well. Retreating.
Then Charlie came in for a Tarot reading. He chose the “Motherpeace “ deck. A card jumped out of the deck…the nine of swords reversed…looking at fears.
I did a quick three card spread and it confirmed for him that he needed to deal with worry and negative thoughts.
Duh. When the guys are feeling good, they are wonderful to be around. When they are disturbed they get snarky.
My problem has been that I sometimes feel like I am the problem. Now I can have compassion on both them and myself.

more cinematherapy (Ramble)

2006-06-21T11:38:00.000-04:00

Howcome I never saw this movie before? Man! I loved it. I think it is the best of Baz Luhrman's films.
It covered my favorite theme of doing things your own way, plus it was about dancing! Can't beat that combo, in my world.
(I attribute this facet of my personality to having Sagittarius rising. Horrible, but mostly true.)
I'm not a huge fan of romance, but this was ok.
( I prefer friendship and whereas I hugely enjoy sex, I'd rather have a friend. A best friend with sex and honesty forever is what I really want.)
Funny, right now I am listening to Martin Sexton singing Prince's "Purple Rain".(Martin Sexton kick ass, by the way. He's my new fave.)
"Never want to be your wicked lover . Only want to be some kind of friend."How appropriate. (And this attribute of my being is related to the fact that I have my Sun, Venus and Jupiter in Aquarius.)
I am so predictable. Evidently Charlie told Michael (the roommate) that it was "the perfect Mom movie". Ghag. (The guys tend to mercilessly mock my movie choices.)
So then I was feeling like a pathetic middle-aged woman for all of 10 minutes. But I 'm over it.
I'd really like to be dancing again.
The last guy I was with hated my dancing and singing. Not sure why, but I began to feel grotesque whenever I did either.
And they are my favorite activities. They are what I do when everyone is out of the house. I sing and dance and act silly.
The other thing is that dancing is not a mating ritual for me. It is joy in my body spilling out, but I don't want to have it be strictly sexual, although there is an element of sexuality in everything I do just because that's the basis. Eros.
[Why is eros so frought with unpleasantness in our culture? Or is it just me? When I was, oh, 3 or 4 years old I used to like to put records (from my collection of light classical music) on my tiny suitcase phonograph and dance. One of my favorites was Richard Strauss' "Dance of the Seven Veils."I would get naked, tie a bunch of my mothers scarves around me and do a strip. Where did I get that from? (Remember, this was in 1953 or 1954. We just did not have access to that sort of information.)]
I know I was full of erotic feelings as a child. It has to be a natural innocent thing, right? I know this sprang from the core of my being, but the grownups did not approve of it. It caused me no end of trouble. (That plus wanting to do things my own way)
I believe humans are by nature erotic, innovative, curious, inventive.
Then howcome we allowed ourselves to be bullied by a God who does not like us the way we are created? Makes no sense to me.
Just like in this movie (remember the movie?) Scott nearly allowed himself to be bullied by "the powers that be" into doing things in the approved way, but the human spirit triumphed in the end..
OK, cynics, I know. That is formulaic and trite. But we love it because it feeds out spirits.

Bliss

2006-06-18T22:17:00.000-04:00

Summertime, summertime!
I can't even write about it right now because I am too relaxed and my mind is just humming silkily along.
Went to Brian and Sari's yesterday for a barbeque. Father's Day. All my sibs were there and my nasty, cute little mom, Sam, Charlie and Carisa, Theo and Michelle and Leone Lomax, plus both Sari's parents and their respective others. And her sister Amy, with husband and kids. And other people, but I forget who they were right now. Oodles of lovely food, as usual.
Today we went to Alan's and swam in his new pond, which is still a mudhole. But the water was the perfect temperature for such a hot day.I did somersaults and floated. nearly fell asleep in the water I was so relaxed. Still am. Theresa and her mom, Josie were there. Alan and Kelly, of course. Sam and me. Then Leone Lomax and his parents. And a bunch of other people off and on. And there were Sabrett's hot dogs and deli salads, which are essence d'ete if you ask me. (Lowbrow!)
All in all I wonder if I am dead and actually in Paradise. It seems that way.
And it's getting better.

Granny

2006-06-16T23:03:00.000-04:00

I spent the day with these two, Michelle, my son Theo's "other"and my grandson, Leone Lomax. We went out to lunch and did some shopping and it was lovely.(I got some nice clothes on sale!)
We did a lot of "women talk" which I don't get too much of with the guys. I love it! I forgot how nice it is. Michelle and I are very comfortable with each other.
And the baby! Oooh! I went around Target telling strangers "This is my grandson, Leone!"
Now, when I was in my 20's there was nothing more I wanted than to be a grandmother. I'd wear 40's dresses and granny shoes and granny glasses and bake cookies etc.
Now, finally, I am a grandmother. All good things come to those who wait.
I'm glad to be alive.

Monday-Wednesday-Friday Class

2006-06-14T20:16:00.001-04:00

Nude modelling used to be my main income source. I like doing it. It's easy, contemplative and I get to be naked at work.
I like to pretend I am a tree or a rock and see how my imagining affects the resultant pictures. It often does, believe it or not.
Anyway I got a gig at the University of Calfornia at Stanislaus. I was staying with Sam while he was in school there.
There was a Monday-Wednesday-Friday class and a Tuesday-Thursday class.
The m/w/f class comprised non-traditional students; older people, immigrants, handicapped people. The instructor was a charming Italian gentleman.
The T/T class, on the other hand, were all freshman, all thin and all white. The instructor there was a tight little Englishman with a stick up his butt.
On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I felt warm, relaxed, and beautiful. In the drawings and paintings of this class I was beautiful and you could see my tree-and rock thoughts come through. The instructor would point to a portion of my anatomy and say "Look at that beautiful curve", etc.
Tuesdays and Thursdays I was grotesque, pathetic and laughable. The students could scarcely look at me anf the instructor could barely bring himself to say the word "B- b-b-b-b-b-breast."
I am fat and old and battered. I veer between hideous and exquisite. I love being with people who are broken enough to see and appreciate that.

My lovely garden courtesy of the guys

2006-06-12T15:14:00.000-04:00

I hate to brag, but I have the most wonderful sons in the universe. This is what they (mostly Charlie) are doing with the excavation site from putting in the French drain last summer. Almost all of these rocks came out of the ground when the backhoe was here. Funny, there seem to be just enough rocks to finish the project.
We are putting lots of plants in too, so I will post some pics later when they grow.

Dilemmation time

2006-05-08T11:46:00.000-04:00

Ok, what to do with my life right now? Confusion reigns.
I don't think I am actually a human being any more. Nothing seems to fit right. Maybe this is like being the pupae. (Metamorphosise).
Not a very comfortable state. Maybe way too much coffee? That is usually the problem. But then I do have an imaginaton and hands and feel compelled to use them both.
Idle hands, I must add. The Devil's Workshop here. Mwah hah hah.
I gave a drawing to some guy for his birthday. I liked it and hoped it would bring some peace with it. It took a lot of peaceful time to create it.
The guy's son says"Gee, you must have a lot of time on your hands!"
Yup. I have all the time I need to do what I want.
(Glad it was just a copy. Still.)

I guess the title "Quest for Clarity" indicates that clarity is sought but not-yet-found.
(Actually, clarity is often found for oh-too-brief moments and then takes flight for parts-as-yet-unknown.
Thus the quest for clarity is a journey and not a destination.
Problem-solving-r-us.

You know I could just stuff this incubation impulse and Do Something Useful. But that would be silly, wouldn't it?

W's dream

2006-05-07T20:38:00.000-04:00

After Steven Coulter...uh, Colbert's performance at the White House correspondents dinner,
I was wondering if George Bush were as tired of this nonsense as some of us are. Geeze. already! Isn't there something humans could be doing that is more interesting than endless bickering?
OK I know the neocons were absolutely, mercilessly, needlessly nasty, but...must the liberals stoop to their level? (Ok it's fair.) (But???)
Then I read this ariticle about W's best moment in office. I dunno. I'd want out if I were him. Wake up and the past 6 years or more are all just a bad dream?

"I'd like to be
Under the sea
In an octopus's garden..."

Fade to white

family ties

2006-04-29T17:34:00.000-04:00

I am ruminating about the Gordian Knot. It seems to me that the problems began when Alexander cut the knot rather than untie it. Everything is attached for a reason. Things want to take a unified, harmonious form.
The herkimer diamond forms in sedimentary rocks. I am still not sure why or how...But it forms..perfect crystals forming in mud. Mysterious and wonderful!
I have had lots of visits from family which is also wonderful! New baby, Michelle's Mom, Flavia, and her sister Cookie. And Katherine Rose. (Did I Spell That Right?)
Roberta was here last week, Maggie was here today with George. Went to Brian and Sari's yesterday with Ben. Family is fascinating. Things are the way they are. Oh! How interesting!
I guess the point of untying the knot rather than cutting it is to allow its form to be seen. Ya can't do that when it's all pulled tight. Some things move further apart but everything is still connected.
By the way, THIS is wonderful.

Working in Hell.

2006-04-20T09:38:00.000-04:00

I admit it. Yes, I take a look at world and national news just about every day. Plus I read blogs at random throughout the Net, trying to grok where people are at.
Although my own personal world is delightful, sometimes when I look around out there I get the impression that I am on a diplomatic mission to Hell. An Emissary from the Kingdom of Heaven (Within).

Even if a person considers themself my enemy, my essence to point out the kingdom of Heaven.
The Kingdom of heaven is that place of perfect androgynous, childlike peace inside you. If you can't get to it then you are trapped in a Hell of fear and anger...the world you have created for yourself based on erroneous messaging.
This is poor use of the matrix, which exists to give you what you want.
Red pill, blue pill...
Where is the little yellow pill? Hey, I found it!
This one that shows you the truth of the Matrix...that you can create what you like.
You don't have to create conflict and fear and paranoid fantasies of attacks by machines and killer thought forms.
You can create pleasureable experiences, which can include chase and combat, but as PLAY, not factual necessity.
Austerity, uncertainty, and the unknown have considerable charm. But only when you know you can change the scene whenever you like.
The truth will set you free, but you are not free if you constantly have to be engaged in combat. Freedom is choice. The blessing or the curse.

Mercury retrograde

2006-03-12T14:09:00.000-05:00

Taking a time out during the Mercury retrograde, which will straighten out around April 14th. There is a lot happening now. All goes well, but it's below the surface. See y'all on the upswing

Buckminster Fuller

2006-03-02T07:23:00.000-05:00

Buckminster Fuller. What more can I say. This guy is well worth getting acquainted with.

Woodstock rambling

2006-02-25T22:40:00.000-05:00

I went into Woodstock this evening to see this movie.
It was made by David McDonald. I really liked it as it gave a good view into the history and character (and characters!) of this delightful town.

I went partly because I was hoping to find out about some concerts I used to go to back in the late '60's. Perhaps it was these concerts but I am still not sure. I don't remember any buildings...I asked David McDonald and he suggested I might have been to the "sound outs"(.sound outs" of the mid-1960s, a series of deliberately low-key concerts by Woodstock rockers-in-residence like Jimi Hendrix and the Band on a farm along Glasco Turnpike that, McDonald believes, served as the inspiration for the 1969 festival.)...hmm..

Oh well.

I grew up in Peekskill, and as a teenager, used to go with older friends up to Woodstock to hang out and go hiking.
I remember going down into one gorge where there were waterfalls. One time this girl named Margo took off her clothes and some guy remarked how Margo liked to parade her funky body around. I thought he was rude and that Margo was lovely.
There was a great second hand store on Tinker Street and a restaurant called the Elephant, (that had super hamburgers on sesame seed buns) up the other way near where the Colony Cafe is.

Woodstock was and is basically a small town in the mountains. So, in 1969,when they were advertising the "Woodstock Music and Art Fair"my expectations were much more intimate and esoteric than what actually happened.
My parents said I could use the VW bus if I took my kid sisters with me, which was fine. My friend Geraldine came too. The parents packed the car full of food, blankets, first-aid supplies, etc.
We headed out, over the Bear Mountain extension, over the bridge etc.
As we headed up the Quickway I began to realize things were unusual. The traffic became extraordinarily thick for that part of the world.
By the time we got on the road to White Lake , which was hilly and winding, it was pretty well a traffic jam. Bad for the VW clutch.
When we got into the town it became clear that parking would be a major issue. Lo, off to the left was a lovely churchyard shaded with spruce trees (?) and no one was parked there. So I pulled in, the doors opened and my little sisters lit outa there so fast...!
Yeesh. Being the oldest, the responsible one, and the one with the keys to the VW I figured I 'd better stick around in case one of them came back or something.
So I never did see the music, but I had a great time anyway. Each morning I made a pot of coffee and brought a cup to the policeman directing traffic on the street. I walked around, talked to people, did a lot of mescaline, hooked up with a nice guy from Connecticut, swam in a nearby pond, invited people into "my" churchyard ( it never did fill up..wonder why?) for meals.

So that's my Woodstock story. Boring I guess, but I enjoyed it.

On the way back, Geraldine drove. I was laying on the floor in back. We were headed down the Quickway when suddenly I heard strange noise. I told Gerry to slow down- good thing she did. The entire wheel on the drivers side fell off and we skidded to a stop on the brake cylinder. Ruined it. We came to a stop beside a very steep drop-off. Waited until a policeman called a tow-truck for us.
We had to spend three days in the junkyard near the garage waiting for the spare cylinder to arrive. That was fun. We each had our own Nash Rambler with reclining seats to sleep in, if I recall correctly. ( I probably don't.) ( Oh well. I guess I will get other versions of this in the comments ,which is fine.)

Ferdinand

2006-02-24T09:08:00.000-05:00

"Ferdinand the Bull" by Munro Leaf was one of my favorite books when I was a kid. I had total resonance with his position. I, too, prefer a quiet, contemplative approach to life. I like fooling around, but only as a little frolic, not combat practice.
I don't think sex or violence should be repressed or made taboo. Then they seem to gain power and eventually blow up all out of proportion.
I think to play at them is healthy. It lets off steam and puts things in proper perspective. We may have brutish components in our composition but they can be sources of fun rather than sources of pain or disharmony. Humans have multifacers and dimensions. No sense getting stuck in a limiting ones.
(Say, if you want to read the story of Ferdinand, click on the highlighted link at the top of the post. When you get to the page, which is bright red, click on the little picture of the bull on the right to go forward in the book.)

Flemming Funch

2006-02-22T19:29:00.000-05:00

Before I go any further I just need to stop and pay tribute to this person.
His marvelous works on the web have taken me to places I could only dream of at one point in my life.
When I first discovered the internet in 1998 , I would type in things I wished to be so. (Usually I found them.)
When I wished for World Transformation this is what I found. Back then it was a revelation. Now he puts his energies here and here and here. Probably lots more I don't know about. I used to think he came from the future or another dimension.
In 1999/2000 I was in near despair in San Diego. Flemming was living in LA at the time. I was reading his works on almost a daily basis and regarded him as a shining light. I couldn't think of anyone I trusted as much, so I gave him a call. He took time out of his busy life to talk to me for quite a while. He said what I needed to hear to gain a new perspective and new hope to go on with life. I just want to say thanks.

Treasure

2006-02-22T08:18:00.000-05:00

To my mind, "laying up treasure in the kingdom of heaven" is synonymous with the practice of
Self-development.
You know how they say "You can't take it with you"? Well, I am very sure you can take it with you if you've made it part of who you are.
If for instance you are, oh say, abducted by aliens (:-D) or kidnapped by terrorists(;-o) or someone puts a weird drug in your drink or if you actually find yourself dead and in another world , your bank account or fancy car aren't going to do you much good.
But the spiritual and mental resources you have made a part of your being by study and practice will go with you anywhere. And I believe the best area for study is your own Self. The kingdom of heaven is within.
I use examples from Jesus' teachings because they are familiar in our culture. Not because I am affiliated with any religion. (:-c)
I guess what I am saying is a person needs to pay attention to their own self and not to the outside world.

I'm a Loser Baby. Oh well...

2006-02-21T19:23:00.000-05:00

Oops! I did it again. No matter how good my intentions, I always manage to fuck up. Oh well! So get to be a dead person again.
It is getting familiar and comfortable to be here. I enjoyed the day and got a lot of work done on some projects that I'd put on hold during my foray into the land of the "living".
Had a delightful exchange with a person who is interested in my point of view and shares many outlooks and interests. We started on what may be a very fruitful collaboration.
It's a big world and there are many dimensions and levels to operate out of. If there is one lesson I've learned over the past 10 years or so is to be on my own side no matter what.
It's funny how lessons get repeated over and over until one "gets" them.
My lesson is to be true to myself even if it seems like the entire world is against me.
I see the temptation at times like these to fall ill in a subconcious desire for sympathy.
I could imagine lying dead in my coffin. Goodbye cruel world! Sob!
But, life goes on and I for one am delighted.

Imagining the Future

2006-02-20T11:04:00.000-05:00

At Alan's yesterday what stands out for me is a discussion about why someone wouldn't want to live forever.
Economic issues seemed to be the main concern. Some people seem worried that they would not be able to support themselves as they got older and older. Others were concerned about health issues.
Patty's dream is a symptom of those fears, I think.
I wonder, why imagine that sort of eternity at all? What would lead one to suppose that the "reality" they are experiencing is all there is to experience? Why envision the "same old"? Why not new improved and infinitely improvable? Think Different.

I am these guys

2006-02-19T12:46:00.000-05:00

For the past couple of winters these guys have been big for me. Love them. I felt myself to be part of a lovely fraternity with these dudes. Our royal doofiness. C'est moi.
The guy in the picture above is Gary Brolsma, who I fell totally in love with...love at first sight. Evidently a lot of other people did too.
Then there is this guy. Same song, different approach.

Cubic

2006-02-19T11:52:00.000-05:00

This is hilarious. Check it out!

Free Fall

2006-02-19T11:16:00.000-05:00

This weekend is a big family get together for the twins birthday. Last night the gang was gathered at Brian and Sari's house.

What stands out for me is my sister Patty telling me about a dream she had where she was falling through the Void (I presume, from her description.)
She saw at a distance what looked like a filmy colorful scarf. As she got closer she saw there was a raggedy hole in it. Closer still and she saw the "scarf" consisted of people all hanging on to each other by their hands and feet, forming a net. As she fell toward the net of people, she saw that she would fall through the net, perhaps to her doom, unless she could grasp and be grasped by the net-people.
And so she was and became part of their design. Their tapestry. Which is cool.

If it was my dream it would be different.
I would know in my dream that falling is all there is and all there ever is
I would dive through the hole and loop around and up and down and north, south, east and west and ana and kata and alpha and omega.
I would swoop and soar and loop-the-loop and barrel roll, and sometimes simply float.
I would take interest in the formations around me, and everything else as well.
Or I would have no interest and blankly hum to myself.
Falling forever is 360+ degrees of freedom. Not at all scary. Way fun, truly.

More than a mother to me.

2006-02-18T06:37:00.000-05:00

Parenting is a role; and a pretty thankless one at times I must say.
Thank goodness a person is much more than a role.
A persons own Self is fascinating and satisfying to me. Where they've been and what lives inside them. Themes.Patterns. Magical Events. Mysterious, intricate, deeply woven into the fabric of life.
As far back as I can remember I have loved this person, not because she is my mother but because, oh, she would sing phrases from popular songs at the drop of a hat, tell funny stories, talk to me like I was a real person and not a kid, sometimes, and hang out with her friends and play Scrabble and laugh it up.
She devours murder mysteries, loves to swim, does crossword puzzles, has a wicked sense of humor, has great stories about her childhood, adolescence ,working years and early parenting. I have seen her in a variety of roles and occasionally without a mask.
She takes a great interest in the world around her. (Especially gruesome stuff!) Has unique opinions and curiosities and history.
There is more to her than meets the eye. She is not just a cute 85 year old.
Was the first person I loved. Is a real person that I like to know now.

The Practical Hippie

2006-02-16T12:09:00.000-05:00

The Practical Hippie
This woman has such a nifty site. There is a lot to it.

Self Centered

2006-02-15T14:33:00.000-05:00

I am a Self centered person. It is my religion.
To me religion is that which you can rely on. It is what does not change. And my experience is that, wherever I go, there I am.
If I am at peace with myself, then my world is peaceful no matter what is going on all around me. It's not always easy, however.
To be at peace with one's Self is life's big challenge. We are taught that being self centered is wrong, unacceptable and unloveable. We are taught that something or someone outside us gets to say whether we are all right or not. We jump through hoops to get good grades or gold stars or love and approval, etc.
I think knowing yourSelf and being true to yourSelf is the most ethical way to live. If you truly love yourself then you can see the Self of another person and from this knowledge flows gratitude, empathy and forgiveness.

"I am that I am"

Translation from an ancient Egyptian text carved into a doorway, a sacred place.

"I have, at last, reached MY goal,

And solved the secret of MY soul.

I am THAT, to whom I prayed,

THAT, to whom I looked for aid.

I am THAT, whom I did seek.

I am MY own mountain peak.

I, upon creation look,

As a page from MY own book.

For I am the ONE, the many make,

Of substance, which from ME I take.

For ALL is ME, there are not two,

Creation is MYSELF, all through.

What I grant, unto MYSELF,

I just take, from MYSELF.

And give it to ME, the only ONE,

For I am the Father, and the Son.

What I want, I do but see,

MY wishes flowing forth from ME.

For I am the knower, and the known,

Subject, ruler, and the throne.

The three in ONE, is what I am,

And hell itself is but a dam,

That I did put in MY own stream,

When in a nightmare, I did dream.

That I did dream;

That I was not the only ONE,

And thus by ME, was doubt begun,

Which ran its course, 'til I awoke,

And found that I, with ME, did joke.

So now, that I do stand awake,

MY throne, I do surely take,

And rule MY kingdom, which is ME,

The master, through eternity."

The cool thing about there being so many of us Selves is that it makes for a proliferation of interesting stories and potential combinations. It makes the prospect of Eternity more enjoyable. Never a dull moment, this way.

In our hands

2006-02-14T09:52:00.000-05:00

(This image is from my collage box. I didn't do it and I don't know who did.But I just love it. It says so much.)

This is a Valentine's Day message to whoever reads this.
I am glad to be living in such an awesome and interesting country and such an awesome and interesting world. We are all in it together and together we make it what it is. And, really, that is not so bad and is getting better all the time, as far as I can tell.
Here's to the good times yet to come!

Look not mournfully into the past, it comes not back again. Wisely improve the present, it is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future without fear and with a manly heart.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Can of worms

2006-02-11T16:12:00.000-05:00

Earthworms are very benificent creatures:
Charles Darwin said "...it may be doubted if there are any other animals which have played such an important part in the history of the world as these lowly organized creatures."

So "Opening a can of worms" is a good thing, it seems.
Earthworms eat up rotting matter and their shit is a wonderful soil nutrient.
Nothing to fear there, I'd say.

I'm an artist. I don't look back.

2006-02-08T17:36:00.000-05:00

OK. Obviously I do look back. But why?
Is there anything there that will help me on my journey, or am I just wasting time?
I guess I was thinking that looking back and understanding would give me grist for the mill, but, really, what do I want to create? The same old same old?
No. I got at least one foot in the promised land, and lordy lord, I am coming through!

Cinematherapy

2006-02-07T14:39:00.000-05:00

It may just seem like I'm laying around watching movies, but it is actually cinematherapy.
I have really been enjoying my 'Netflix" membership. Watching movies has helped me deal with painful issues in my life and to be kinder to myself. I was having guilt trips and while the larger part of myself Knew better, there was part of me that needed reassuring.
Thanks to Larry David of "Curb Your Enthusiasm", the writers and crew of "Six Feet Under" , Tod Solondz, writer and director of Palindromes and Welcome To the Dollhouse.
I was transformed by David Blaine's "Fearless", amused and bemused by "The Aristocrats" , revivified by "Pleasantville.
One of the most important thing I am getting out of this regimen is the sense that it is OK to be myself and do what I love and express my point of view without being vilified or punished for it. That alone has been a life saver for me. Literally.
I gotta say thank God for the film industry. It is one of the blessings of living in this age of miracles and wonders.

I'll be outstanding in my field

2006-02-07T11:40:00.000-05:00

Well. I have been re-inspired in my artwork by some astounding artists.
I hope you take the time to check out their work by clicking on the links above.
They remind me of why I started doing art in the first place.
So I am getting back to the drawing board, which I love.

If you have been reading this blog with good intention then you will have plenty to keep you interested by going to the links provided. Believe me, it is worth the effort. We live in a wonderful and astounding world. This machine I am sitting here in front of, the Memex (better known as a computer) is a magic carpet which can transport you to h -e -a -v -e -n -s or h-e-l-l-s depending on where you steer it. And you are at the wheel.
My links are triptiks to places I have enjoyed and I invite you to enter them and share the joys.
I will be checking in every so often. Please feel free to make comments, of course and I will address them within the context of these pages. My intention here is to promote healthy honest relations, and to make a better world where all are welcome and fulfilled.

Anonymous

2006-02-06T00:23:00.000-05:00

On Saturday, December 31, 2005 I wrote a blog about the reappearance of what I consider to be very damaging childraising methods, and how I believe my experience with this method has colored my life. The method in the article I was referring to is known as "Ferberizing", which involved strict feeding and sleeping schedules, and discouraged "coddling". Ferberizing was the standard child raising technique of our culture when I was an infant. My parents were conscientious and they did what they thought best according to the information they had available to them. I am very grateful to both my parents and love them dearly.
I received this comment from an anonymous reader whom I assume is a family member:

Anonymous said...

Patty and I have enjoyed reading your blog. We both feel that your writings have improved in quality and clarity. Yet I find some of your comments puzzling ... lately ideas about what is fact and what is fiction in a person's memoirs seems to be a big topic of discussion. You say "My parents, who must love me (right?) would not leave my out in the cold for long stretches of time unless I had done something wrong." and "When I had kids I did everything in my power to ensure that they would not experience this despair." Did you do everything in your power to save your children from despair? I recall their stories of frost on their faces on desperately cold mornings and days without food.We don't even need to talk about physical abuse. Your children have survived a very challenging childhood and yet they do not seem to hold anything against you. Yet you seem to hold many things against our parents. I don't think you can compare being snugly wrapped in a blanket on a porch in a perambulator... getting some healthful sunshine and fresh air, to freezing despite numerous layers of blankets and clothing because no one got up to light the stove. I think you are somehow blending the lines between what was your experience and what were the experiences of your children. We plan to continue to read and enjoy your blog, but I must say we will look at it as partial fiction.We all are trying to come to grips with our lives and where we have come, as we move into our new middle stages. I think we need to understand and accept both the good and the bad about what we have done in our lives so that we and others may learn from our experiences.

7:44 PM

I feel that my mother and I have a good relationship and understanding of each other and her love has sustained me through difficult times, knowing she had it much worse and came through beautifully.
Perhaps "anonymous"feels the need to to defend my mother, but there is no attack intended. We all find ourselves in a world over which we sometimes have very little control, especially as children. The best we can do for each other is have compassion and understanding.

Having said that, I would like to point out that during the time frame when the boys and I did experience cold winters and difficult conditions they were teenagers and we all shared the same experience. Believe me, they had no problem expressing their opinions and desires, or of rectifying the situation for themselves, Each of the boys was quite capable of lighting a fire for himself, cooking a meal or bundling up. During this timeframe, Ben, for example enjoyed survival camping in the snow with his friends. Most of the time the guys were into it.
This is a very different situation from that of a newborn infant who can't say what she needs, or do something about the situation.
NO parent is perfect. We all can complain and that's OK. What is important is to be heard, and not marginalized for saying what you need to say.

Sam writes:

"I told the story of frost on my blanket from my breath. The fire was stoked and fully loaded every night, but the home-made stove was not airtight and it went out 4 hours later.
Parts of our house were insulated with salvaged materials like sawdust, and on some -40 degree Canadian winter nights, the temperature in the house did get below freezing. We were all quite adept at bundling up and had enough blankets.
I tell this story with some pride, describing how we learned to tuck and wrap the blanket over our whole bodies with just our nose and mouth exposed where the frost formed, and how on those nights we would wake in this position in the morning. I was not cold in my blankets, and because I woke first for my 1 hour ride to highschool, I lit the fire almost every weekday morning.
I feel strongly that these types of experiences have allowed me to have a resilience and a different perspective from those who have never really experienced life outside the air-conditioned, thermostatically regulated, commercially-driven experience we know as living in America.
I have had my days like railing at mom for having Whitney, our ex step-father in our life. I experienced one incident of corporal punishment from him as a 17 year old when I was ready to leave the nest. Mom never condoned any corporal punishment, and consistently nurtured our expression, exploration, and the development of our individual identities.
I did feel despair as a teenager, which I think is healthy. It was not despair about a lack of love or nurturing, but with my highschool classmates, the state of the world, or the condition of our ramshackle house.
In those years and subsequently, we have been as loving, nurturing, sharing, honest, and joyful a group as any family I know. If the kind of abuse, deprivation, and lack of nurturing and respect "anonymous" has imagined from our stories (and loves to whip out to keep mom off her high horse) existed, my brothers and I would not be the physically and emotionally healthy, creative, intelligent, sensitive human beings that we are. Neither would our family choose to live together from time to time as we have, which is extremely noteworthy in our atomic family culture.
I think we all have to be careful about the images we paint of each other. I think one of the main reasons "the family" has dissolved in our culture is because of the pigeonholing that happens in families, and the re-emphasis of perceived negative character traits that happens as a result of the the struggle for love, resources, and recognition all humans in relationship to each other.
Ultimately, I believe it is the feeling of being loved, accepted, and cared for, and that an honest attempt to understand and be understood by your parents is what separates a good childhood from a bad one. "

Harper Lee

2006-02-05T16:39:00.000-05:00

I love ths woman. She has a great outlook.
(I sincerely hope you've read "To Kill a Mockingbird".) (I'm a bit of a Boo Radley, myself.)
She has written some other articles worthy of note.
I resonated with this one, from which this is a quote :

"If more young people traveled with their eyes and minds open and saw this country, they would have a deeper feeling about it. Adventuring across the country is out of style. Whatever happened to working after school in a grocery store to get enough money to hitchhike to California during your vacation? "

I spent four or five years as an adult travelling by bus or driving or hitchhiking back and forth across this country and Canada. I became intimates with waitresses and truckers, convicts, students, addicts, whores and transients. (Among others.) I have tremendous love for them all which is based on understanding and respect.

When you live among people it's hard to marginalize them or turn them into statistics. People are not numbers. They all are individuals and within the contest of their lives they make sense and deserve consideration, understanding and respect. I know from experience that everyone has gifts to offer and that the least obvious ones are sometimes the best.
Have you seen the movie, "The Mighty?" Well, I loved it.
There are knights and heroes hidden everywhere.

The examined life

2006-02-04T04:00:00.000-05:00

"I would be ashamed to admit to the Indians that where I come from the women do not feel themselves capable of raising children until they read the instructions written in a book by a strange man."

-- Jean Liedloff, The Continuum Concept

Everyone makes choices and those choices are the fabric of a person's life. I don't resent or regret anything about my life because my life is who I am. And I like who I am. I am grateful for whatever has made me what I am. But that doesn't mean I can't examine it. There is no point just rolling over and dying without reviewing tho whole thing. Honesty is the best policy as they say. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and points of view and that includes me.

Abortion thoughts

2006-02-03T10:52:00.000-05:00

Babies sure are cute. I have to admit that.
Some people just love fetuses..they fight furiously for fetus's rights...bomb abortion clinics, etc.
But for many of those babies once they are in this world, it's another story.
Where are all the fetus lovers then?
Does their money go to feed, house, clothe and educate those ex-fetuses?
Do any of them listen lovingly to those ex-fetuses doubts and fears and reassure them that everything is going to be all right?
Do any of them recognize that ex-fetus's special talents and interests and nurture them so the fetus may blossom into an individual?
Do any of them forgive the ex-fetus's errors and focus on the innate goodness of the ex-fetuses being?
I have four children...sons...I love them dearly and they are wonderful people.
I know the world is a better place because each of them is in it.
They make good friends.
The are individuals.
I was a poor welfare mother most of the time. There were lots of men around. There was even a stepfather for a short period of time. The boys visited freely with the man whose name they bear, among others.
And life was lovely.
I would have gladly had more children.
I love them.
I love their chaotic and quirky ways.
I find their messes fascinating.
I love the noises they make and the way they smell and that love extends past childhood into adulthood.
The guys live with me now and I still adore them.
Yet I had 3 abortions in my life. Each was due to fear of being able to provide adequately for the child-to-be.
This world sometimes seems like a hostile place and at those times a person does not want to bring a child into it.
Rabbits absorb their fetuses if they are disturbed.
The glory of god is the mature individual.
If half the care and resources were put into nurturance rather than punishment and destruction, we would all be living in Paradise.
Humans scarcely scratch the surface of their potential.
At this time all the available time and energy seems to be going into conflict of one sort or another.
If those resources went into tolerance, understanding and nurturance this would be a different world.
Peace and Love are portrayed as rather ludicrous.
Are they? Are competition and deception signs of superiority?
Trusting in goodness is not naivete`.
It is Self confidence.

Wicked

2006-02-02T18:08:00.000-05:00

This picture is the logo for the musical, "Wicked".
In general, I am usually the bad guy in any given story...the wicked witch, the evil sorceress, the n'eer do well or whatever. Fortunately I am friends with all portions of myself, which makes it OK with me to play the badass. It can be a fun role, after all. But behind the scenes and at the heart of everything I am the FRIEND.
So here I wait,
An ice-o-late.
It is my fate.
But I do not hate.
Let's make a date.
Let us relate
The emotional freight.
Let's open the gate
And recreate.
It's not too late.
Don't hesitate.
We'll get it straight
Then celebrate.

Melting Ice

2006-02-02T16:09:00.000-05:00

The first thing to do when examining one's life is Get Clear About God. The ignorance surrounding this very basic assumption is the source of just about all the problems of this world.
Is God someone looking at you from out there or is it what is looking out?
I tend to be the one that looks out, I am One with the Izness. I am not generall about judging..(unless I am experiencing Judgementalness)
Mostly I am interested in What it is Like being...whatever..There is the "All That Is" and then there is the Particular- and everything in between.
All the different levels are interesting. I guess this includes the one where you are not trusting your inner self and where you rely on some external agent to tell you how you are doing.
In other words it is all good.
So it is OK to relax and enjoy whatever state you are experiencing.
Charlie wrote a song that states:
'TO BE WHERE YOU ARE IS THE HARDEST THING
WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO GET SOMEWHERE.'
Where do we all want to go? Back into the Ocean. Back to the womb, back to the primordial ooze. Sex, drugs and rock and roll.
Back to unmitigated bliss and endless play.
I am a monkey, too.

Base

2006-02-02T15:19:00.000-05:00

Getting down to the bottom line...the unexamined life is not worth living , Socrates told us, and I agree. One of the primary functions of the limbo state is to provide the physical and psychological space for the examiner to unpack the contents of their "emotional baggage". A person cannot just keep accumulating experiences without taking some time for evaluation. What is being examined is "Life". That which is doing the examining is looking out of my eyes.

golden years

2006-02-01T02:33:00.000-05:00

I have to admit that I have a wonderful life. I am just about always happy. Joyful, even.
However, I do have the little problem with the "Critics".

(These are the internalized 'voices' that tell me I am no good, am doing it wrong,deserve to be punished, am causing harm to others, will never be loved, etc.)

I am getting better at dealing with them and, I hope to be able to do it without having to take time out..do it like breathing..do it without thinking about it.
For the past 5 years I have been at their mercy. Almost every thing I do is viciously attacked by these figments. It has taken me these years to be able to deal with them graciously.

I guess it's a good skill.

Anyway, I just want to express my gratitude for life, and am looking forward to greater participation in the future.

I was trying to sort stuff out before I wrote it here. I guess that was because some people told me they were reading it. I guess I got nervous and stopped writing here and was using my paper journal instead. But I think it would be better if I just wrote here.
For me it is important to stop hiding. Even if I am criticised, it is ok.

If I am forthcoming about the things I think about and do, that can only be healthy.
I always imagine a chorus of critics tearing my work to shreds, though. There is some empirical basis for this belief. But so what? I am what I am and I do the best I can where am at.

Gold Rings

2006-01-31T16:01:00.000-05:00

I put these gold rings on today for no apparent reason.
I have them among the junk and treasures I have accumulated.
None of them is a reward for good behavior.
All of them are trinkets that someone else didn't want.
The gold band on my forefinger belongs to one of the boys who said I could use it. Steven gave them each one a few years back. The middle ring with the green stone is my fathers school ring which my mother gave me. The other two.. I forget where they came from.
The guys are not jewelry wearers.
Neither am generally, although I have some around and do wear it sometimes.
I justify this by the thought that if I were living in the woods or jungle I would likely pick up flowers and bits of feather or shell that caught my fancy and wear them.
Maybe.
Anyway when I wear them I think of "where did they come from? " How was the gold obtained? If I throw this ring out will that justify or negate the hard work and pain that went into making it?
Would I rather have the friendship of the miner who got this gold or would I rather have the gold?
I guess I'd have to choose the friendship.
One time I was in Reno waiting for the bus. I was sitting in the park down by the river eatin' peanut butter sandwiches. I had a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter, and when guys came by I'd make 'em a sandwich and hang out with them . One fella came by and I made him a sandwich and we shot the breeze. He said he was a gold miner up in Elko and that his wife was in the casino gambling. He was waiting for her, killing time.
We exchanged information about ourselves , had a few laughs.
The time came when the bus would be leaving and we prepared to go our ways. The guy pulls out a wad of 100's the size of a hamburger and asks me if I need any money. I said "not particularly" and we made our goodbyes.
And so it goes.
I guess another good side of relying on "within" is that you have great admiration and respect for anothers "within". And the experience itself is the reward. There is no need of the proverbial "gold star".

Freezer burn

2006-01-31T13:04:00.000-05:00

"In The midst of winter I found within me an invincible Summer "
Albert Camus

In 1998/99 I I was staying in the house in Canada so I could paint without having to worry about what I should or should not be doing with my life.
I was obsessed with watercolor and fascinated with the lovely surprises that would roll off the end of the brush.Color was exquisitely sensual to me and as satisfying as food to my soul.

I had my guitar and some art supplies and a bow saw. There was a small wood stove in the kitchen and I took up residence on the couch in there blocking off the rest of the house. The boys had been up that summer doing some renovation on the house and barn and there was lots of scrap wood....old rotted 2x4's, new scraps, old shingles, etc. Plus the woods are always full of dead trees and it is easy to kick them over and drag them home. I just dragged them right into the kitchen and cut them up there.There was food in the pantry..dried beans, rice, canned stuff, etc.

Kip Smith came by at one point and cut up a bunch of old poplar logs that had been in the ditch for ages.They burned ok.But it was not as warming as the wood I cut myself. Yep, that wood warmed me twice-once whien I cut it up and once when I burned it.

I tell you it was cold. At one point Alan Ross took me up to his place and after having dinner with him and Scindy and kids, we went out back and got a big pile of old firewood he had out there. It was frozen into the snow , but we got it into the trunk of the car and hauled it home and stacked a pile of it in the kitchen. I even put some of it on the top of the stove so it would thaw. In the morning there was still ice on it.

It was cold! A neighborhood dog and cat would sleep on top of me, which kept me a bit warmer..Still, I felt content and basically joyful.
Why, I can't say right now. I think it was the peacefulness. I understand why people become monks and hermits.

But, man, it was cold! At one point it felt like something inside me snapped... kinda like those hand warmer things...and after that I was never cold.

I remember Barry McKenzie telling me about his very wild adventures and how his body would just steam in the midst of a howling blizzard, running around in his shirtsleeves
.
In the previous post I mentioned the childrearing theory that imprinted me with the states "cold" and "lonely".

It is perhaps, a case of "Sensitive Dependence on Initial Conditions"
Maybe I am like a seed or root that needs to freeze to set the trigger for sprouting?

All I know is that it makes it easier to find the door to the warm place inside where there is love and understanding and creativity no matter what is going on outside.

white-hot life burns within

Maybe I am like Sam McGee?

All I know is, I have been known to head further north for the winter.

I remember one time when I was living there with my second husband, Whitney. The pump froze right in the ground and had to be dug up and since the ground was frozen it took a while. Meanwhile, the water had to be carried from the spring across the road at Gordon Emery's and I was the person to do it.
One day I was hauling two 5 gallon buckets full of water up the hill in a howling blizzard through hip-high snow. When I finally made it out to the road I felt this exaultant surge of triumph. It was incandescent and stays with me to this day.

When I told my father this story he was very upset. He thought it was terrible. He could never see the value in certain things. I think to live you have to embrace all of life, even the cold, lonely and difficult times. It works for me, anyway.

I guess there are monks in Tibet that have control over their bodily responses.

More evidence that the Kingdom of Heaven is within.

TreeNymphs

2006-01-01T15:29:00.000-05:00

TreeNymphs
Over the holidays there was a lot of talk about religion . This article is a very lucid analysis.

Go Ahead—Sleep With Your Kids - The urge is natural. Surrender to it. By Robert Wright

2005-12-31T14:24:00.000-05:00

Go Ahead—Sleep With Your Kids - The urge is natural. Surrender to it. By Robert Wright
This morning we ran out of oil, and the house is cold. This triggered an astonishing but not uncommon reaction in me. Hopelessness. This is a very familiar feeling.
I fall into immediate despair and a feeling of being stuck in a pattern that I am unable to change.
I feel like I am being punished and that there is no way I can ever make up for whatever heinous thing I am guilty of.
No matter how good I try to be, I will inevitably end up cold and lonely.
I was born in on January 26 in Pennsylvania. Winter. After a nightmare of a birth experience - three days of induced labor - inflicted by the "expert" doctors for their convenience, my parents put me on one of these regimes like the experts in this article advise. Ferberised. Whatever. Leaving an infant out in the cold was said to be healthy, as was letting a baby cry until the next scheduled feeding.
I have recurring flashbacks of being in my carriage, cold, lonely, hungry and unable to do anything about it.
I continually have recreated this scenario in my life without realizing why. I feel ilke that is all I deserve. My parents, who must love me (right?) would not leave my out in the cold for long stretches of time unless I had done something wrong..
Therefor I must be unworthy. Maybe if I try harder? But there are no clues...
What to do?
Finally I retreat into my inner fantasy world where I am welcome and worthy and people delight to have me with them.
I spend more and more time in this fantasy world until now, I would much rather be there than in this world. Where are the joys of this realm?
If am fated to continually find myself cold and lonely, then what is the use? Maybe there is a heaven and I will find comfort there. A sincere welcome.
The guys want me to go to my brothers as it would be warm there, but my "little" self points out that the last time I went there for shelter, I was made to sleep out in the van in a blizzard because the woman who was living with him didn't want me in her house.
Another year is impending and I don't know if I want to bother at all.
When I had kids I did everything in my power to ensure that they would not experience this despair. I had natural childbirth, welcomed them in to the world and slept with them happily. They are all delightful humans, and feel connected to their world.
Reading the article above is dismaying. I thought these practices were in the distant past. These child-raising "experts" are evildoers who promote a cold, lifeless, despairing world. There is a "learned helplessness"when a child has no power to communicate and have his/her needs met. This in turn promotes dependence on "experts" and Voila! VICIOUS CIRCLE!

Daydream

2005-12-31T00:27:00.000-05:00

The guys were raggin' on me about never going out of the house. (Not true. I go out sometimes. Rarely. OK.Very rarely.)
What would I be doing if I were to go out? Engaging Target employees in impromptu '80's style dance routines? Haranguing passers-by on street corners? Looking at MORE stuff?
I dunno. I like my inside world. Whenever I do go out, I have a nice time, but I'm just not into gratuitous "going out". There is plenty of time for that, I imagine, and when I'm ready, out I'll go. Until then, here I'll be.

Disclose?

2005-12-30T20:07:00.000-05:00

I am making a choice here. The new year is coming up and I am starting to feel some stirrings. Part of me just wants to head out... "Cloud-hidden, whereabouts unknown".
The other part wants to stay in one place long enough to make sense of where I have been and what I have been doing for the past 49 years. Yes I realize I am almost 56 years old. The reason I say 49 years is that I was in one place for most of the first 7 years of my life. Plus 49 is a jubilee year. I spent my real Jubilee Year on the West Coast in hostels and homeless shelters, so I'm taking this year to make up for it. I really had no time back then for reflection and assessment .

This year I want to put it all down in black and white and living color . I want to see my life spread out. I want to actually unpack by baggage and sort through it.
I have collected a lot of interesting material throughout my life . I have been thinking about dumping it all, cashing in my chips and startin over.
Sometimes I am almost persuaded that my life is utterly useless, worthless, a waste of time and energy.
But there is a part of me that is delighted by it all and in the secret recesses of my being, I relish the memories . Some of my most transcendent and healing experiences have transpired in the most inauspicious settings. I have found acceptance and comfort among the most despised people in society. They are not dregs to me and I am not garbage to myself either. Love is the true gold no matter where it is found.
Which is why I am giving this one year.
I have to believe there is value in communication. I have to believe there are "men of good will" in all socioeconomic classes, not just the lowest. I have to believe my life has value and will not be dismissed as trash by the critics of society.
So I guess I will be writing more in this Blogger thing here.

Flickr

2005-12-29T17:34:00.000-05:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

iIdentity

2005-12-29T16:20:00.001-05:00

As the New Year approaches, I am thinking about what I want to have in my life. I would definitely say community involvement. I was reading excerpts from The Beginner's Guide to Community-Based Arts by Keith Knight (my favorite cartoonist) and thinking about conversations with an aquaintance over the christmas weekend. He has a brother in the Twelve Tribes and there is a great deal of controversy and contention concerning this organization and their practices. The parents of this family were at The Farm in Tennessee and the boys apparently spent much of their formative years there.
Anyway, this person was talking against the "Me " Generation (Hey! Talkin' 'bout MY generation!)I guess he thinks joining groups to complain about other groups is the way to go. I personally think that the Self is the most glorious of Natures creations and when encountering another person, that's what I want to be communicating with.The person's real Self. Who they really are. What they truly feel and believe. Not some other guy's (guru, leader, expert) ideology or whatnot.

So what does this have to do with the impending New Year ? Not sure, but it indicates the area of focus. Selves. The individual. I am on great terms with my own Self and would like to connect with others Selves, I guess. That's about it.
(Oh, yeah. For me it is what's inside that counts. I see stuff differently than other people so I am not gonna be impressed by looks, titles or money. .a quirky sort, me.)

Embracing "reality" vs. passing through it.

2005-12-27T20:21:00.000-05:00

Oh, quit yer whining! it's nowhere near that bad, now, is it?
It is if you take it too seriously and become too identified with it. A certain amount of detachment is needed.
(I feel compelled to confess that I am a person who does cryptic crosswords and anagrams and all manner of difficult games and puzzles. I whine about how hard they are while I am doing them but I always finish and can't wait for more. But there is a great deal of detachment and the choice is mine to complete them or just toss 'em.)
I have been remiss in my blogging. I guess it is because I have been spending more time "out" among people. Which means having to communicate, to a certain degree. Which means having my brakes on much of the time, which is tiring.
I am learning to stay in neutral, but then, why be among people at all? There is something to it, though, I suppose. Listen and learn. There is more than meets the eye.
This being human business is pretty complex. Interesting, though. I imagine if I learned to play the game properly it might be a lot of fun as well. Business, socializing, etc.
I love puzzles and games, and the human sphere can be looked upon as all that and more.
I guess have been hesitating about writing because my thoughts and feelings were a little too chaotic for a while. I was faced with the choice of feeling rejected and unwelcomed and I declined it.

So, I'm back on the page again. I suppose the thing would be to stick with the struggle and not be afraid to be exposed during the process. I just feel too vulnerable.

Post Thanksgiving Demolition Derby

2005-11-28T16:47:00.000-05:00

This is what has been happening here since Thanksgiving. Charlie got back from Curacao and Sam, Ben and he got busy tearing down the walls that separated my old room from the livingroom, and the wall where the kitchen sink used to go. There were heaps of rubble and clouds of dust, but they got it all cleaned up and now we are basking in a more spacious, functional living area. There is plenty more work to be done.

jumble

2005-11-25T23:54:00.000-05:00

I am feeling particularly muddy right now.A lot of things are tumbling around in my head and I feel thankful to be able to have the time and space to sort through them.
I wrote the following letter to a woman whose father had commutted suicide in 2002.
Yesterday she posted some pictures of him on 'flickr' and wrote about what she was going through. He died on Nov. 25) She had a link to her blog which contains excerpts from his journals, and from hers as well.
She had placed me on her list of contacts, and I had corresponded with her on other matters, so I felt emboldened to write in such a personal manner. Here is what I wrote:

"My father died just after his 85th birthday in 2001. As far as I was concerned, it was a suicide, as he made it very clear that he did not want to live any more. I stayed with him for the year before he died. He had a titanium constitution and could have brought himself back to health, had he chosen to. I offered him many options, but he said "Leave me alone, I'm an old man." So by the time he died I was at peace with his decision, but I am a little annoyed with him as I would have liked to travel around with him and show him some sights. (ooh, thanks.I needed to say these things.) "

Even so there is so much more I can say. I basically feel at peace with him now although I still wish he had wanted to live. I guess it is more poignant at the holidays and with what would have been his great-grandchild due in April.
Sometimes I wonder if he was right. Maybe life is not worth it. Maybe I should move on and make room for new people. Maybe ...But I just am too interested in "what comes next". To me life is a puzzle or a game and just because it is hard, that's no reason to give up.
They say if a person can stay alive for the next 20 years, they have a good chance at immortality. Some people don't like the idea. I love it. I say if you get tired of life, take a nap or do s0mething totally silly.When you come back you will feel refreshed. Some people think it would be better to check out other realms, but I know you can access them all by tuning to the Within..
Oh, whatever...this is just what I am thinking about today. Feel free to ignore it or talk amongst yourselves.
Looking forward to the big family Thanksgiving at Brian and Sari's tomorrow. Yesterday we had thanksgiving proper at Theo and Michelle's. It was super. The guys outdid themselves with a huge organic turkey from Fleischers, sausage stuffing and greens. Theresa (Michelles friend, Alans roommate, and our adopted family member) made fabulous candied yams, and Theo and Michell made lovely salad w/gorgonzola and walnuts, had stacks of pies (pumpkin, peach, sweet potato and apple.) and maybe something else but I forget. I brought HaagenDaz vanilla and dolce de leche. Plus I made absolutely marvelous gravy from the amazing turkey juices. Pig out! Sam and Ben promptly fell asleep.
Michelle and I started to play 500 rummy but then got distracted by other things. Ben demonstrated some Tragerwork (a form of gentle massage.) People read from various books. Thnigs were discussed.It was very good.
I guess I'd better get to sleep now in preparation for "another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat."Ta-ta for now.

ramble on thanks

2005-11-24T04:42:00.000-05:00

Well, its 4:42 AM here in Gardiner. The dogs are fed already. They were really hungry because they puked up all their dinner last night. OK, sorry, but...They are essentially vegetarian dogs who get half an apple or banana and a tbsp of vanilla yogurt cut into their kibble at each meal . I gave them some hamburger because to me dog = wolf. Apparently not so. Most dogs are domestic creatures.
My dogs favored the wolf side, for the most part. Independent, but loved to play.
Anyway, I want to write about peculiarities in my personality. I see myself as 360 degrees of possibility and am totally aware of the fact that wherever I am at, the opposite position also holds true for me, and I will find myself occupying it sooner or later. I prefer to own my shadow. I don't dump it onto other people. I cherish it. Nurture it. Feed it.
Yesterday Ben and I went to Boston Market for a lunch-ish meal. I had never been there, but my Mom and Patty always have jars of their gravy on hand and it is delish! I had the Angus meat loaf and green beans, Ben had half a chicken and corn and we both had mashed potatoes and gravy. Yum! Plus seriously sweet corn muffins. We ate overlooking the spectacular snow-covered Catskill mountains, then went to Wal-mart and bought 'Ikea lite' shelves for my new bedroom. They are stylish, functional and cheap as f**k. Good enough.
But back to the food. Now at our house, we tend to high nutrition, low prep foods such as quinoa, kale, salads, salmon and venison.(Dr. Sam) Functional and yummy. But, still, I love to eat cheap, 'bad' food. Sabretts hot dogs. Kraft dinners, potato chips and soda...etc.I tire of them rather quickly, but feel a certain benefit from eating them. What's up with that?
When I was a kid My parents fed us with the best food, lots of vegetables, big salads, lean meats, etc. We loved eating vegetables and used to vie to drink the spinach water left in the serving bowl. My father is Sicilian and his mother was possibly the best cook ever, and my mother is a very efficient functional kitchen person. Between them they fueled 6 growing kids excellently. (A big job I must say).
Anyway, that didn't stop me from going on kicks where I would eat, say, Chef Boy-ar-dee ravioli cold out of the can for lunch for a week straight. Or Cheeze-Whiz on Pepperidge Farm white toast. Fluffernutters. My cousin Cookie and I used to eat matches. One time we ate an entire can of Betty Crocker chocolate frosting.
The point is...well you know, I'm not quite sure..But I think it has something to do with finding every aspect of life to be interesting and enjoyable. I think that might be what thanksgiving is all about. Somewhere in the New Testament it says to be thankful for all things- not just the "good" stuff. ALL THINGS. Goes along with "Fear no evil" and "Love your enemy". Just a thought, perhaps, but a useful one. Especially now.
One great story in the New Testament is where Peter is shown, in a vision, a cloth filled with all sorts of "unclean" foods. Not Kosher. He is told to eat, but he says no because it is forbidden by law, but the vision says "What God has cleansed, don't call it unclean", so he eats.
Oh don't take my word for it. The story is in Acts chapter 10. The New Testament contains many things which have proved very useful to me throughout this wild ride I call my life. I am, like, a c**k-sucking christian.
Well, on that note, I am off to bed once again. Be seein' y'all real soon. Happy Thanksgiving.

pause

2005-11-21T12:32:00.000-05:00

pause
Originally uploaded by ladybabymama.

I am having a great time out here at Linda and Dawn's place. They are gone to Curaco for a week and I am sitting the dogs. This house is fun. I spent yesterday afternoon in the hot-tub. Watched a bit of TV. Ho hum, la di da...there are lots of movies. I wish I had Myst 2 and 4 to play. Life is good.
I have a lot of inner work to do. My soul feels torn up and shaken around. I figure that's got to be a good thing.
The entire world feels like that right now and it seems like it could sure use some rearrangement as well.The only place to find peace is within so I'm headed there right now.'til later...

OK, my brother Alan was just here for lunch. We were talking about family. For me, I liked the brother/sister/cousin aspects of family, but had no interest in the grownups with all their rules. I liked older people OK if they would tell stories from when they were kids, or if they would play with us like my uncle John used to.

I think I would like a world where we could stay at 17 forever. We could certainly find a way to feed ourselves and keep the electric running so we could play music. One idea I had was that we could all move into universities. They are great setups with heating plants, food preparation areas, sleeping facilities and plenty of access to information. Usually there are swimming pools and athletic equipment. Paradise.

I like Rainbow Gatherings because they are like that. With no rules, no money, no "grownups"yet it all works astoundingly well because almost everyone is on the same trip.

Kids seem way smarter than grownups . I get along fine with kids and really old people and animals. This "RealWorld" of jobs and grownups and bills and taxes is soul-numbingly tedious to me. I go into a semi-coma whenever I get within 20 feet of it. Do you suppose there is something wrong with me?

My prevailing fantasy is that I am the Queen of the Dead. The land of the dead is cool because you don't have to be afraid of dying. You are already there. You can't go to hell. Anything goes. Plus there is all the time in the world for anything at all. Eternities..Aeons. You could devote a billion years to studying beetles and..so what? Whatever. Do you think it would be boring? You could sleep for a million years if you wanted, too. Sure, you could be a businessman if that is what you'd like. Whatever.

Lots of excitement around here..

2005-11-17T15:36:00.000-05:00

The guys have begun the house renovations we have been talking about since we moved into this place last year. They moved the kitchen sink, tore out the old floor, tore down the walls surrounding the stove and fridge, put new doors where the old garage doors were,( which should make it warmer in the house). Meanwhile, they are finishing Sam's room and office space...gyproc. electric, sanding, floors, etc. I gotta go now..things to do. Just wanted to report how it is going around here.

Dead

2005-11-08T23:48:00.000-05:00

I am just doing exactly as I please all the time. I feel as if I am actually a dead person ( The queen of the dead, night of the living dead, grateful dead )and that the only reason I am spending time in this world is that I have infinity and eternity to work in and thus cannot “waste time”and I find this realm interesting for many reasons. Most of the time. Everything I am doing is for the greater glory of Divinity and for the highest good of all sentient beings, so how can I go wrong? I find it very difficult to get too concerned about it all either. Maybe I've died and gone to heaven?

Chaos theory

2005-11-06T17:17:00.000-05:00

Chos is the normal state of my life. As a matter of fact, it is very stable and secure. I can count on it.
Today we have Zora visiting from BC, (Ben's friend) a delightful woman in her 50's (like me) . Theo and Michell came to visit, we all decided to have dinner together. I went shopping; they all scattered .
I am cooking roast beef, potatoes, peas and gravy instead of our usual weird food because I know this will give a sense of red-blooded normalcy. Michelle is stressed about being pregnant....
Zora is intense and interesting to talk with because she experiences very similar dilemmas. She has 3 kids, is close to my age, is an artist etc.
Anyway she is staying in what is my room (but I am in the process of moving out of it into Theo's old room. This morning she took some pictures while she was in there, which are posted here. A picture of her and some of stuff on my shelves...
I am a little too busy to write too much now, but the pictures say a lot.

Self-love.

2005-11-05T23:48:00.000-05:00

It seems to me that the most amazing thing in the world is to have a Self. I mean your Self is always there for you, is endlessly fascinating, and will always be on your side if you let it. Yet we are taught to deny this Self, force ourSelves to do things we don't really want to do and certainly to never let on that we think we are wonderful...Why? There are certain people who want you to not trust yourSelf and listen to yourSelf. These are the same people who want you to trust them and listen to them. Religious figures. Politicians. Teachers.This makes no sense to me.
This issue is coming up for me quite a bit lately...

Where do we go from here?

2005-11-05T20:22:00.000-05:00

Still dithering . We have a visitor form BC, Zora. She and Ben are talking Art right now. I am looking at flickr pictures and listening to them talk. There was a discussion on flickr about papier mache as a building material.. I have used papier mache as a sculpture material and am setting up to do so again. It is fun and assuages my human guilt at garbage. I had a real problem concerning waste. My journals were filled with "Garbage into Gold" rants. Trash as resource...Human "trash" as well as material. I figure it is all in how you look at it. I used to drive Dodge 'Darts' because there were a lot of them around and they were easy to work on. I'd get a couple of guys over, buy some beer and change the transmission or whatever. A come-along, a tripod and - voila!
\ Anyway, I found lots of stuff about papier-mache as building material.

feel free to skip this part. It might get better. Not sure though.

2005-11-01T03:30:00.000-05:00

This blog is named "Quest for Clarity". I am deep in some mental and spiritual fog at this point in my life.

"In the middle of our life's way

I found myself in a wood so dark
That I couldn't tell where the straight path lay."
Dante's Inferno
Canto 1 verses 1-3

It seems that no one finds themselves in Dante's position these days.(Except me)

Everyone seems very sure of what is TRUE (Except me)
???(Of course there is a lot more information now.
People may just be smarter?)???

People loudly proclaim their own views.
 I listen to  many different points of view.
I readily see other peoples points.
 I might not adopt them myself, but I see them.
Thus,  I often feel like a "chameleon on a plaid blanket".
This has become so uncomfortable for me.
 I stay out of society as much as I possibly can.
I don't think I can get the hang of this "being human".
 Everyone else seems so confident .
( I have a lot to learn.  Always at "Beginner mind".)
I guess that is good. Does anyone else feel this quandary?

Is life confusing for other people?

(Plus I am having a hard enough time figuring out the how-to's of this blogging business.

Clarity of thought will have to come later, once I get the hang of this.)

I don't actually believe anybody is reading this, so it shouldn't matter if I seem stupid.
Or boring.
Right?

OK I understand now that this blogger only works properly for me in mozilla. That makes this thing a whole lot easier. (Whew!)

Whenever I am learning something new it throws my whole system off for a while. (This has happened to me many times before, so I know). After a while I will be blithely blogging. Easily editing. Delightedly downloading. Or whatever.

In case anybody should read this,  I am goofing around here,
I am playing with blogger features. I learn best by playing. What I do
while learning probably looks dorky.  Who cares?
I remember- this is what it is like to be a kid. I can remember just to relax and have fun with it all.

quantum mind

2005-10-27T00:55:00.000-04:00

I am wondering how to use this blogger blog thing as I am totally technically retarded compared with most of these people. I am good at other things.
Oh well, I will learn, right?