Quest for Clarity

Making sense of life, the Universe and Myself.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Back in Blog


Curiouser and curiouser....My computer had been refusing to allow me access to this blog, so, of course, I haven't been writing anything.
But today, I spent the afternoon with my sister-in-law, Sari Botton, a professional writer, t get advice on how to get this enormous heap of material I have accumulated both in and out of notebooks and sketchbooks throughout my long wanderings. One suggestion she gave was to resume this journal, so I gave it one more try after having given up for the past few months.
And, voila! Ca marche! Hooray!
While I was waiting for her to arrive, I wrote this blurb in case she told me to send a cover to a publisher or some such.
The poem I inserted here is not my own. I found it somewhere. It perfectly characterizes where I have been at in my life, so I have adopted it. Thanks! to whoever wrote it, though.

I am the stranger, the perennial outsider, viewed with bemusement even by my own family; the black sheep, the "other" daughter. I have lived a life full of trials and adventures. And as I take pause to gaze back upon my journey, I realize it is time to speak up for myself and for others like me.
"Form breaks up in the Bacchanal dance of life.
When I ceased to know right from wrong
I ceased to worry.
Then people worried on my behalf, thinking I was mad.
But I rejoiced.
Drunk as a sailor on life's liquor, what did it matter?
I lived.
And the blaming eyes that followed me, embarrassed on my behalf,
Were not mine.
They mourned for me while I rejoiced for myself.
Now tell me, which of us was smartest?"
My journey has demanded that I play many roles; daughter, sister, wife, mother, virgin, whore. I have toiled in fields and factories, lived in the woods and in cities and homeless shelters. I've been a nurse's aide, teacher's aide, gravedigger, file clerk, and barista, (just a few of the many jobs I've held in my gnarly career path). The story I have to tell encompasses heavens and hells, within and without, squalor and splendor. I have lived my life surfing the thin line between madness and inspiration, shooting the curls with trepidation and panache. Included in my story are musings and ramblings about religion, sex, politics, agriculture, social practice. There are poems and pictures , real life experience and imaginative exercises. The totality is chaotic, yet coherent, giving an outline of one woman's reality. Perhaps this humble story will be of interest to souls puzzled and curious about this mad mystery we call life.
So, here I am, back on the page after a long summer vacation.
I am writing on behalf of the child hiding inside every adult, wondering if it will ever be safe to come out and play, wondering if it is true that "life's a bitch and then you die", wondering if the truth of their self will ever be welcome.
Good news. It is.

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