Quest for Clarity

Making sense of life, the Universe and Myself.

Sunday, March 29, 2009


Wordle: pure_energy


Saturday, March 28, 2009


Well, the “crazies in my head” are nattering on about how I shouldn’t be doing what I am doing;
something to do with being in violation of their laws and customs.
Sheesh! Get a life, I say.
I also say that I wish I were back home
in the land of the brave and the home of the free, whenever that was.
I guess that’s why I liked the whole “Little House in the Big Woods”scene;
just getting away from all the “voices” of self appointed authorities who think they have the right to dictate to me how I am to live my life.
Just being on the same planet as these people makes me want to go away
or have them all go away.
I am so willing to live and let live.
I really don’t want to tell people how to live their lives.
I just want to “do my thing”, whatever that happens to be at any given moment.

OK now I am thinking about how I so totally do not find any merit in
the custom of matrimony.
The whole romance thing is just too tacky to me.
It is predicated on being false to your own Self or to another. Gross!
One MUST be true to one’s Self or perish;
for if you are not true to yourself, your Self will disown you and then where are you?
I say this from very painful experience.
This is why I am ever-so-less-than enthused about the whole election brou-ha-ha.
It has been said that the election paradigm is like a race of mammals, which are governed by rather large reptiles.
On election day the mammals get to pick which reptile they want governing them.
OK I have nothing against reptiles; after all they build good roads. Whatever.
I have nothing against roads either.
It’s all good. Whatever floats your boat, pumps your nads, rings your chimes, man.
I just want to be able to eternally do what I do,
which is enjoying myself and the world around me.
Why does this feel like such a crime?
Lazy, selfish, irresponsible; the holy trinity of my nature.
This is why I am suicidal or escapist or dissociative or whatever the “experts” label whatever it is I am doing at any given moment, which is always changing.
I get along so well with myself
and with other people when they let me be and do their thing,
and sometimes it’s cool to show and tell, too.
Share experiences. Share processes and insights.
What is this vibe surrounding me right now?
The Old School vibe; do as you are told, obey authorities,
don’t trust yourself or others, don’t ask questions, don’t make stuff up.
If you pass tests you will be rewarded.
(of course that IS true, but the Universe or Natural Law rewards you , not some external authority)
So what I am electing for myself is Personal Sovereignity.
I am the Divinely appointed authority over my own life and whatever I feel responsible toward.
(Like my shoes, or body or dishes)
Why does this all sound so radical. It’s just good sense.
Maybe other people are not like me and have different ideals.
But that is mine. I have to be able to live with myself. Wherever I go, there I am.
I don’t really have a problem with my family in this respect.
They are fairly respectful, I imagine.
Well, guess this is part and parcel of being creative, or “an artist”.
I could say that is my religion or policy.
I am an artist.
I create beauty and harmony wherever I go, even if it gets torn down time after time. That’s not what matters.
What matters is the doing of it,
the state of mind one enters during the creative process.
Part of this for me is the experiencing of other creative people and their expressions.
This includes video games and movies, etc. or a creatively lived life.
Social artistry.
Having a beautiful living area with meager resources.
Staying cool is artistry.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Amnesiac Cherubim

At my mom's with cable TV...sheesh...I am pondering the entire political debacle in this world.
Yikes! I would certainly kill myself if I did not remember that I do not belong to this system, I am only here to observe (and, obviously, to comment..)
But it sure looks stupid to me. I mean, people seem to know a whole lot less and seem to be less and less able to be kind to themselves and each other, than the last time I was back here.
"When will they ever learn, when will the ever learn?" -" (Where Have All the Flowers Gone" by Pete Seeger) (someday soon, I hope)
I suppose the people who haven't learned will be returned here to become the millions of life forms they have destroyed, or the peoples they have downtrodden so they could have more stuff.
There is nothing wrong with being rich. but richness serves best when it takes the form of an ability to appreciate, first one's Self, then the Others, for all are important.
"When I lay claim to nothing, seems everything's mine." Right now it just seems like people are using their energies to appease some entity who does not know their hearts and doesn't care. Just to have more and more stuff, all the while depleting resources, both natural and human. And then not having the time to actually enjoy the fruits of their efforts. Oh well, it will all work itself out in the end, won't it? It always does.
This Apocalypse is being brought to you by "Netflix" and "Youtube"
Ta ta for now, y'all.

Monday, April 23, 2007


Growth and life are messy processes. for instance, when an insect undergoes metamorphosis it literally comes unglued inside its cocoon.
At our house we are in the eternal midst of house renovations and have had some lovely results, but the process is totally chaotic.
I have these four utterly delightful sons, yet there were times when people said "these boys are out of control". If we had been living in this culture they likely would have been put on Ritalin or worse. I just thought they were delightfully energetic and imaginative, and so they are. But often rather messy. And so am I.
I figure, whatever I am going through, it's got to be good.
I found this quotation in a journal from my 36th year, I don't know where it came from originally.

"Quite simply, a belief in the good without a belief in the evil, may seem highly unrealistic to you. This belief, however, is the best kind of insurance that you can have, both during physical life and afterward....a belief in good without evil is actually highly realistic since in the physical life it will keep your body healthier, keep you psychologically free of many fears and mental difficulties and bring you a feeling of ease and spontaneity in which the development of your abilities can be better fulfilled.

Believing in evils, you will of course percieve them.
Your world has not tried this experiment...which would release you. The experiment...would operate on the basic idea that you create your own reality according to the nature of your beliefs anf that all existence id blessed and that evil does not exist in it."

As long as I am alive, I have one mandate - to trust mySelf , my process and my journey.
I figure we gotta be heading somewhere wonderful, cause it just keeps getting better. I pray that this attitude may spread so there is more good news in this world.

Friday, March 16, 2007

So, where were we?

Hmm? Why did I choose this picture? Vision, higher view, higher conciousness..the guy up there has a better vista than the guys down below deck.
Anyway, I moved upstairs into Charlie's room, and I am loving it. I did my time in a basement (brought myself into abasement? haha)
In keeping with my thoery that I have actually died and gone to heaven, everything is cool and interesting. It's OK for me to be.
Lots of leisure,
Many interesting things to explore and experience.
And so much music! Wow! currently listening to Nick Drake
(where'd ye go, Nick? We scarcely knew ye).
Before that I was listening to Morphine.
For a few months all I was listening to was the Incredible String Band, which nourished my soul. Better' n vitamins.
And so it goes.
The point is that I am looking at this blog thing as another fun activity. I have heaps of journals and sketchbooks, but they don't do any good gathering dust in my room up there, so I will drag them out and bring 'em up into the light.
(Not to mention the day to day dramas that unfold around me rather intriguingly, which is a whole bunch of other stories. SO interesting. It would be cool to have a webcam in here so y'all could watch. REAL "Real World")
Update..I have a new roommate, Sandy. She was Sam's "boss"at the wellness center at Omega. Plus she knows Ben from there as well. (Everyone knows Ben) So, she's like part of the family already. She's the same age as Roberta and has the same birthday as Sam. We'll hava a party to welcome her sometime in the near future (We'll keep you posted)
Just to let you know, you are all welcome to stop by, eh? A nice cuppa tea?

Monday, March 12, 2007


Satan is My Motor.

Geez. I am feeling really good about myself and my life. I know how I got here and why it is important. I want to roar and spit fire. Yeehah!
Well, not to belabor a point, but, yeah. My life is and has been so marvelous and interesting and so full of learning that I am overflowing and willing to share. My treasures have not been material. My life has been about making sense of life the universe and everything. I even know where the other dimensions are "hidden". (Think "Flatland" by Edwin Abbott)
So now, one step at a time, ever onward.
"Are we not drawn onward, we few, onward to new era?"
And upward.
The motto of New York State is "Excelsior, which means upward, or higher. Evolution.
Spiraling upward and onward into infinity. May we all enjoy the ride.

Thursday, March 08, 2007


Hey everybody! Oh I guess no one ever reads this anyway. Quite frankly I am not quite sure what's going on and would certainly tell you if could make any sense out of it. But, you know I am real sure it is all good, and am having a great time. Baby steps, giant steps umbrella steps. But a feeling safe in the universe and love you all and everyone else, too, so...ah but I know you longer..maybe. Ah here comes the totally addled rantings of a totally deranged mind. Nah, never mind. Oh, OK. You'll twist my arm. Ok so you know how Charlie is moving out and new people in or at least sandy ann sinicki (Who knows if its the right spelling? Not I)Long story short, things are moving right along here, so, hey all the best and we'll see you whenever. I am so very tempted to delete this post as it is so very whackoid, but hey, ya gotta this dropping pebble into the void? Hey am I here all alone, oh well guess maybe things could be faster. I wish I had a web cam strapped to my head it is all just too much fun and TOO funny. Well it all is obviously extremely entertaining ,otherwise why would I be so engrossed in it, right? OK, onward to (I won't say greater) other things. Hey check the blog, ya never know...

Thursday, December 07, 2006

baby's first movie

This is what happens when you fool around...This was filmed at my uncle Bill's 85th birthday party last year. I loaned my camera to Theo to take videos of the Baby, but...I got it back 'cause it's mine and I am a selfish bitch. This is actually my second video. My first one was magnificent but Sam threw it in the trash and then emptied the trash. Jealous bitch!!! He just wishes he made it. Hmpf!!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Beneath the surface

I am in a snarl. I have been having WAY too much contact with what is considered to be the "real world". YUCK!!!
My neighbor that I partied with is going back to the Mormon church. She sent the missionaries over here. Huh. Been there done that one, too. It is so BORING. might as well be dead, and I'd certainly rather be in hell doing great drugs than in their no-doubt-tedious and trite heaven. GeEz.
I went to an art thingie with wine and cheese afterward. They were all about how but no trace of why or what. What is Art? ...archival? conceptual? technique? True art can be smeared with menstrual blood onto a park bench.
Art says I am here. I am real. There are things in my heart and soul that I would like to share with you because it is too lonely otherwise. Oooohh! Look! Look! How beautiful! How mysterious!
I may indeed be crazy, (I AM) but if what goes on out there is sane, crazy is the only way to go. People, people! What are you thinking? Where is to joy, the transparency, the luminosity?
Why is there no magic in your life? What are you afraid of? Maybe it would be fun to actually live a bit before you die? Why choose so small?

Or perhaps there are no real people out there and you all are merely automata, concerned with money and statutes and real estate and other quantities?

"It's all about money
Ain't a damn thing funny
Gotta have a job
In this land of milk and honey"
-Grand Master Flash

Who wants to make love with automata? Besides it's against the "rules". Who's rules?
Beam me up Scotty! Sane folks is NUTS!

Actually, for the record, I tried sanity various times and just cannot develop a taste for it. Any therapy I've encountered is just cutting off your nose so you can't smell the shit you've gotta eat to be considered normal.
Choose your own adventure.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Back in Blog

Curiouser and curiouser....My computer had been refusing to allow me access to this blog, so, of course, I haven't been writing anything.
But today, I spent the afternoon with my sister-in-law, Sari Botton, a professional writer, t get advice on how to get this enormous heap of material I have accumulated both in and out of notebooks and sketchbooks throughout my long wanderings. One suggestion she gave was to resume this journal, so I gave it one more try after having given up for the past few months.
And, voila! Ca marche! Hooray!
While I was waiting for her to arrive, I wrote this blurb in case she told me to send a cover to a publisher or some such.
The poem I inserted here is not my own. I found it somewhere. It perfectly characterizes where I have been at in my life, so I have adopted it. Thanks! to whoever wrote it, though.

I am the stranger, the perennial outsider, viewed with bemusement even by my own family; the black sheep, the "other" daughter. I have lived a life full of trials and adventures. And as I take pause to gaze back upon my journey, I realize it is time to speak up for myself and for others like me.
"Form breaks up in the Bacchanal dance of life.
When I ceased to know right from wrong
I ceased to worry.
Then people worried on my behalf, thinking I was mad.
But I rejoiced.
Drunk as a sailor on life's liquor, what did it matter?
I lived.
And the blaming eyes that followed me, embarrassed on my behalf,
Were not mine.
They mourned for me while I rejoiced for myself.
Now tell me, which of us was smartest?"
My journey has demanded that I play many roles; daughter, sister, wife, mother, virgin, whore. I have toiled in fields and factories, lived in the woods and in cities and homeless shelters. I've been a nurse's aide, teacher's aide, gravedigger, file clerk, and barista, (just a few of the many jobs I've held in my gnarly career path). The story I have to tell encompasses heavens and hells, within and without, squalor and splendor. I have lived my life surfing the thin line between madness and inspiration, shooting the curls with trepidation and panache. Included in my story are musings and ramblings about religion, sex, politics, agriculture, social practice. There are poems and pictures , real life experience and imaginative exercises. The totality is chaotic, yet coherent, giving an outline of one woman's reality. Perhaps this humble story will be of interest to souls puzzled and curious about this mad mystery we call life.
So, here I am, back on the page after a long summer vacation.
I am writing on behalf of the child hiding inside every adult, wondering if it will ever be safe to come out and play, wondering if it is true that "life's a bitch and then you die", wondering if the truth of their self will ever be welcome.
Good news. It is.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Ugly American and proud of it

I had a lovely 4th of July with family and friends at Carisa (Charlie's girlfriend) 's place. No fireworks (Oh yeah, a couple of sparklers), just some barbequed stuff and a hot tub and making music. I sang for a long time, making stuff up to the accompaniment of Alan on conga and Mike on standup bass, and for a while, Theo on the bass. ..I didn't get in the hot tub., being otherwise engaged, mostly with Leone Lomax, my grandson.
Besides, I was so relaxed already. I remarked that if I was in the hot-tub, and someone poked me with something sharp, all my grease would leak out. Alan said, "Like the Exxon Valdez". Actually the imagery I had in mind was more like a sausage in a frypan.
This remark caused a bit of a kerfuffle, a little concern for my grip on reality, until I pointed out that it was hyperbole. Not everyone understands hyperbole, however.
I do love America, madly. What I like about the US ....jazz. Blues. And comic books. And rock'n' roll. And movies. And barbeque.It's fun. The big mish-mosh of influences and currents and being able to express it all loudly, expressively and publicly

Monday, June 26, 2006


I just vented a lot of what was troubling me in my other ‘blog’…ish thing, “What is Art?”. Today I was feeling off. I had accumulated a lot of tension in my upper chest and shoulders, near the bones.
I wasn’t too sure where it came from. I had some idea, though, but wasn’t handling it real well. Retreating.
Then Charlie came in for a Tarot reading. He chose the “Motherpeace “ deck. A card jumped out of the deck…the nine of swords reversed…looking at fears.
I did a quick three card spread and it confirmed for him that he needed to deal with worry and negative thoughts.
Duh. When the guys are feeling good, they are wonderful to be around. When they are disturbed they get snarky.
My problem has been that I sometimes feel like I am the problem. Now I can have compassion on both them and myself.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

more cinematherapy (Ramble)

Howcome I never saw this movie before? Man! I loved it. I think it is the best of Baz Luhrman's films.
It covered my favorite theme of doing things your own way, plus it was about dancing! Can't beat that combo, in my world.
(I attribute this facet of my personality to having Sagittarius rising. Horrible, but mostly true.)
I'm not a huge fan of romance, but this was ok.
( I prefer friendship and whereas I hugely enjoy sex, I'd rather have a friend. A best friend with sex and honesty forever is what I really want.)
Funny, right now I am listening to Martin Sexton singing Prince's "Purple Rain".(Martin Sexton kick ass, by the way. He's my new fave.)
"Never want to be your wicked lover . Only want to be some kind of friend."How appropriate. (And this attribute of my being is related to the fact that I have my Sun, Venus and Jupiter in Aquarius.)
I am so predictable. Evidently Charlie told Michael (the roommate) that it was "the perfect Mom movie". Ghag. (The guys tend to mercilessly mock my movie choices.)
So then I was feeling like a pathetic middle-aged woman for all of 10 minutes. But I 'm over it.
I'd really like to be dancing again.
The last guy I was with hated my dancing and singing. Not sure why, but I began to feel grotesque whenever I did either.
And they are my favorite activities. They are what I do when everyone is out of the house. I sing and dance and act silly.
The other thing is that dancing is not a mating ritual for me. It is joy in my body spilling out, but I don't want to have it be strictly sexual, although there is an element of sexuality in everything I do just because that's the basis. Eros.
[Why is eros so frought with unpleasantness in our culture? Or is it just me? When I was, oh, 3 or 4 years old I used to like to put records (from my collection of light classical music) on my tiny suitcase phonograph and dance. One of my favorites was Richard Strauss' "Dance of the Seven Veils."I would get naked, tie a bunch of my mothers scarves around me and do a strip. Where did I get that from? (Remember, this was in 1953 or 1954. We just did not have access to that sort of information.)]
I know I was full of erotic feelings as a child. It has to be a natural innocent thing, right? I know this sprang from the core of my being, but the grownups did not approve of it. It caused me no end of trouble. (That plus wanting to do things my own way)
I believe humans are by nature erotic, innovative, curious, inventive.
Then howcome we allowed ourselves to be bullied by a God who does not like us the way we are created? Makes no sense to me.
Just like in this movie (remember the movie?) Scott nearly allowed himself to be bullied by "the powers that be" into doing things in the approved way, but the human spirit triumphed in the end..
OK, cynics, I know. That is formulaic and trite. But we love it because it feeds out spirits.

Sunday, June 18, 2006


Summertime, summertime!
I can't even write about it right now because I am too relaxed and my mind is just humming silkily along.
Went to Brian and Sari's yesterday for a barbeque. Father's Day. All my sibs were there and my nasty, cute little mom, Sam, Charlie and Carisa, Theo and Michelle and Leone Lomax, plus both Sari's parents and their respective others. And her sister Amy, with husband and kids. And other people, but I forget who they were right now. Oodles of lovely food, as usual.
Today we went to Alan's and swam in his new pond, which is still a mudhole. But the water was the perfect temperature for such a hot day.I did somersaults and floated. nearly fell asleep in the water I was so relaxed. Still am. Theresa and her mom, Josie were there. Alan and Kelly, of course. Sam and me. Then Leone Lomax and his parents. And a bunch of other people off and on. And there were Sabrett's hot dogs and deli salads, which are essence d'ete if you ask me. (Lowbrow!)
All in all I wonder if I am dead and actually in Paradise. It seems that way.
And it's getting better.

Friday, June 16, 2006


I spent the day with these two, Michelle, my son Theo's "other"and my grandson, Leone Lomax. We went out to lunch and did some shopping and it was lovely.(I got some nice clothes on sale!)
We did a lot of "women talk" which I don't get too much of with the guys. I love it! I forgot how nice it is. Michelle and I are very comfortable with each other.
And the baby! Oooh! I went around Target telling strangers "This is my grandson, Leone!"
Now, when I was in my 20's there was nothing more I wanted than to be a grandmother. I'd wear 40's dresses and granny shoes and granny glasses and bake cookies etc.
Now, finally, I am a grandmother. All good things come to those who wait.
I'm glad to be alive.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Monday-Wednesday-Friday Class

Nude modelling used to be my main income source. I like doing it. It's easy, contemplative and I get to be naked at work.
I like to pretend I am a tree or a rock and see how my imagining affects the resultant pictures. It often does, believe it or not.
Anyway I got a gig at the University of Calfornia at Stanislaus. I was staying with Sam while he was in school there.
There was a Monday-Wednesday-Friday class and a Tuesday-Thursday class.
The m/w/f class comprised non-traditional students; older people, immigrants, handicapped people. The instructor was a charming Italian gentleman.
The T/T class, on the other hand, were all freshman, all thin and all white. The instructor there was a tight little Englishman with a stick up his butt.
On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I felt warm, relaxed, and beautiful. In the drawings and paintings of this class I was beautiful and you could see my tree-and rock thoughts come through. The instructor would point to a portion of my anatomy and say "Look at that beautiful curve", etc.
Tuesdays and Thursdays I was grotesque, pathetic and laughable. The students could scarcely look at me anf the instructor could barely bring himself to say the word "B- b-b-b-b-b-breast."
I am fat and old and battered. I veer between hideous and exquisite. I love being with people who are broken enough to see and appreciate that.

Monday, June 12, 2006

My lovely garden courtesy of the guys

I hate to brag, but I have the most wonderful sons in the universe. This is what they (mostly Charlie) are doing with the excavation site from putting in the French drain last summer. Almost all of these rocks came out of the ground when the backhoe was here. Funny, there seem to be just enough rocks to finish the project.
We are putting lots of plants in too, so I will post some pics later when they grow.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Dilemmation time

Ok, what to do with my life right now? Confusion reigns.
I don't think I am actually a human being any more. Nothing seems to fit right. Maybe this is like being the pupae. (Metamorphosise).
Not a very comfortable state. Maybe way too much coffee? That is usually the problem. But then I do have an imaginaton and hands and feel compelled to use them both.
Idle hands, I must add. The Devil's Workshop here. Mwah hah hah.
I gave a drawing to some guy for his birthday. I liked it and hoped it would bring some peace with it. It took a lot of peaceful time to create it.
The guy's son says"Gee, you must have a lot of time on your hands!"
Yup. I have all the time I need to do what I want.
(Glad it was just a copy. Still.)

I guess the title "Quest for Clarity" indicates that clarity is sought but not-yet-found.
(Actually, clarity is often found for oh-too-brief moments and then takes flight for parts-as-yet-unknown.
Thus the quest for clarity is a journey and not a destination.

You know I could just stuff this incubation impulse and Do Something Useful. But that would be silly, wouldn't it?

Sunday, May 07, 2006

W's dream

After Steven Coulter...uh, Colbert's performance at the White House correspondents dinner,
I was wondering if George Bush were as tired of this nonsense as some of us are. Geeze. already! Isn't there something humans could be doing that is more interesting than endless bickering?
OK I know the neocons were absolutely, mercilessly, needlessly nasty, but...must the liberals stoop to their level? (Ok it's fair.) (But???)
Then I read this ariticle about W's best moment in office. I dunno. I'd want out if I were him. Wake up and the past 6 years or more are all just a bad dream?

"I'd like to be
Under the sea
In an octopus's garden..."

Fade to white

Saturday, April 29, 2006

family ties

I am ruminating about the Gordian Knot. It seems to me that the problems began when Alexander cut the knot rather than untie it. Everything is attached for a reason. Things want to take a unified, harmonious form.
The herkimer diamond forms in sedimentary rocks. I am still not sure why or how...But it forms..perfect crystals forming in mud. Mysterious and wonderful!
I have had lots of visits from family which is also wonderful! New baby, Michelle's Mom, Flavia, and her sister Cookie. And Katherine Rose. (Did I Spell That Right?)
Roberta was here last week, Maggie was here today with George. Went to Brian and Sari's yesterday with Ben. Family is fascinating. Things are the way they are. Oh! How interesting!
I guess the point of untying the knot rather than cutting it is to allow its form to be seen. Ya can't do that when it's all pulled tight. Some things move further apart but everything is still connected.
By the way, THIS is wonderful.