I am feeling particularly muddy right now.A lot of things are tumbling around in my head and I feel thankful to be able to have the time and space to sort through them.
I wrote the following letter to a woman whose father had commutted suicide in 2002.
Yesterday she posted some pictures of him on 'flickr' and wrote about what she was going through. He died on Nov. 25) She had a link to her blog which contains excerpts from his journals, and from hers as well.
She had placed me on her list of contacts, and I had corresponded with her on other matters, so I felt emboldened to write in such a personal manner. Here is what I wrote:
"My father died just after his 85th birthday in 2001. As far as I was concerned, it was a suicide, as he made it very clear that he did not want to live any more. I stayed with him for the year before he died. He had a titanium constitution and could have brought himself back to health, had he chosen to. I offered him many options, but he said "Leave me alone, I'm an old man." So by the time he died I was at peace with his decision, but I am a little annoyed with him as I would have liked to travel around with him and show him some sights. (ooh, thanks.I needed to say these things.) "
Even so there is so much more I can say. I basically feel at peace with him now although I still wish he had wanted to live. I guess it is more poignant at the holidays and with what would have been his great-grandchild due in April.
Sometimes I wonder if he was right. Maybe life is not worth it. Maybe I should move on and make room for new people. Maybe ...But I just am too interested in "what comes next". To me life is a puzzle or a game and just because it is hard, that's no reason to give up.
They say if a person can stay alive for the next 20 years, they have a good chance at immortality. Some people don't like the idea. I love it. I say if you get tired of life, take a nap or do s0mething totally silly.When you come back you will feel refreshed. Some people think it would be better to check out other realms, but I know you can access them all by tuning to the Within..
Oh, whatever...this is just what I am thinking about today. Feel free to ignore it or talk amongst yourselves.
Looking forward to the big family Thanksgiving at Brian and Sari's tomorrow. Yesterday we had thanksgiving proper at Theo and Michelle's. It was super. The guys outdid themselves with a huge organic turkey from Fleischers, sausage stuffing and greens. Theresa (Michelles friend, Alans roommate, and our adopted family member) made fabulous candied yams, and Theo and Michell made lovely salad w/gorgonzola and walnuts, had stacks of pies (pumpkin, peach, sweet potato and apple.) and maybe something else but I forget. I brought HaagenDaz vanilla and dolce de leche. Plus I made absolutely marvelous gravy from the amazing turkey juices. Pig out! Sam and Ben promptly fell asleep.
Michelle and I started to play 500 rummy but then got distracted by other things. Ben demonstrated some Tragerwork (a form of gentle massage.) People read from various books. Thnigs were discussed.It was very good.
I guess I'd better get to sleep now in preparation for "another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat."Ta-ta for now.