Quest for Clarity

Making sense of life, the Universe and Myself.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Go Ahead—Sleep With Your Kids - The urge is natural. Surrender to it. By Robert Wright


Go Ahead—Sleep With Your Kids - The urge is natural. Surrender to it. By Robert Wright
This morning we ran out of oil, and the house is cold. This triggered an astonishing but not uncommon reaction in me. Hopelessness. This is a very familiar feeling.
I fall into immediate despair and a feeling of being stuck in a pattern that I am unable to change.
I feel like I am being punished and that there is no way I can ever make up for whatever heinous thing I am guilty of.
No matter how good I try to be, I will inevitably end up cold and lonely.
I was born in on January 26 in Pennsylvania. Winter. After a nightmare of a birth experience - three days of induced labor - inflicted by the "expert" doctors for their convenience, my parents put me on one of these regimes like the experts in this article advise. Ferberised. Whatever. Leaving an infant out in the cold was said to be healthy, as was letting a baby cry until the next scheduled feeding.
I have recurring flashbacks of being in my carriage, cold, lonely, hungry and unable to do anything about it.
I continually have recreated this scenario in my life without realizing why. I feel ilke that is all I deserve. My parents, who must love me (right?) would not leave my out in the cold for long stretches of time unless I had done something wrong..
Therefor I must be unworthy. Maybe if I try harder? But there are no clues...
What to do?
Finally I retreat into my inner fantasy world where I am welcome and worthy and people delight to have me with them.
I spend more and more time in this fantasy world until now, I would much rather be there than in this world. Where are the joys of this realm?
If am fated to continually find myself cold and lonely, then what is the use? Maybe there is a heaven and I will find comfort there. A sincere welcome.
The guys want me to go to my brothers as it would be warm there, but my "little" self points out that the last time I went there for shelter, I was made to sleep out in the van in a blizzard because the woman who was living with him didn't want me in her house.
Another year is impending and I don't know if I want to bother at all.
When I had kids I did everything in my power to ensure that they would not experience this despair. I had natural childbirth, welcomed them in to the world and slept with them happily. They are all delightful humans, and feel connected to their world.
Reading the article above is dismaying. I thought these practices were in the distant past. These child-raising "experts" are evildoers who promote a cold, lifeless, despairing world. There is a "learned helplessness"when a child has no power to communicate and have his/her needs met. This in turn promotes dependence on "experts" and Voila! VICIOUS CIRCLE!

1 Comments:

  • At Sunday, February 5, 2006 at 7:44:00 PM EST, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Patty and I have enjoyed reading your blog. We both feel that your writings have improved in quality and clarity. Yet I find some of your comments puzzling ... lately ideas about what is fact and what is fiction in a person's memoirs seems to be a big topic of discussion. You say "My parents, who must love me (right?) would not leave my out in the cold for long stretches of time unless I had done something wrong." and "When I had kids I did everything in my power to ensure that they would not experience this despair." Did you do everything in your power to save your children from despair? I recall their stories of frost on their faces on desparately cold mornings and days without food.We don't even need to talk about physical abuse. Your children have survived a very challenging childhood and yet they do not seem to hold anything against you. Yet you seem to hold many things against our parents. I don't think you can compare being snugly wrapped in a blanket on a porch in a perambulator... getting some healthful sunshine and fresh air, to freezing despite numerous layers of blankets and clothing because no one got up to light the stove. I think you are somehow blending the lines between what was your experience and what were the experiences of your children. We plan to continue to read and enjoy your blog, but I must say we will look at it as partial fiction.We all are trying to come to grips with our lives and where we have come, as we move into our new middle stages. I think we need to understand and accept both the good and the bad about what we have done in our lives so that we and others may learn from our experiences.

     

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