Quest for Clarity

Making sense of life, the Universe and Myself.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Disclose?


I am making a choice here. The new year is coming up and I am starting to feel some stirrings. Part of me just wants to head out... "Cloud-hidden, whereabouts unknown".
The other part wants to stay in one place long enough to make sense of where I have been and what I have been doing for the past 49 years. Yes I realize I am almost 56 years old. The reason I say 49 years is that I was in one place for most of the first 7 years of my life. Plus 49 is a jubilee year. I spent my real Jubilee Year on the West Coast in hostels and homeless shelters, so I'm taking this year to make up for it. I really had no time back then for reflection and assessment .

This year I want to put it all down in black and white and living color . I want to see my life spread out. I want to actually unpack by baggage and sort through it.
I have collected a lot of interesting material throughout my life . I have been thinking about dumping it all, cashing in my chips and startin over.
Sometimes I am almost persuaded that my life is utterly useless, worthless, a waste of time and energy.
But there is a part of me that is delighted by it all and in the secret recesses of my being, I relish the memories . Some of my most transcendent and healing experiences have transpired in the most inauspicious settings. I have found acceptance and comfort among the most despised people in society. They are not dregs to me and I am not garbage to myself either. Love is the true gold no matter where it is found.
Which is why I am giving this one year.
I have to believe there is value in communication. I have to believe there are "men of good will" in all socioeconomic classes, not just the lowest. I have to believe my life has value and will not be dismissed as trash by the critics of society.
So I guess I will be writing more in this Blogger thing here.

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