Quest for Clarity

Making sense of life, the Universe and Myself.

Monday, June 26, 2006


I just vented a lot of what was troubling me in my other ‘blog’…ish thing, “What is Art?”. Today I was feeling off. I had accumulated a lot of tension in my upper chest and shoulders, near the bones.
I wasn’t too sure where it came from. I had some idea, though, but wasn’t handling it real well. Retreating.
Then Charlie came in for a Tarot reading. He chose the “Motherpeace “ deck. A card jumped out of the deck…the nine of swords reversed…looking at fears.
I did a quick three card spread and it confirmed for him that he needed to deal with worry and negative thoughts.
Duh. When the guys are feeling good, they are wonderful to be around. When they are disturbed they get snarky.
My problem has been that I sometimes feel like I am the problem. Now I can have compassion on both them and myself.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

more cinematherapy (Ramble)

Howcome I never saw this movie before? Man! I loved it. I think it is the best of Baz Luhrman's films.
It covered my favorite theme of doing things your own way, plus it was about dancing! Can't beat that combo, in my world.
(I attribute this facet of my personality to having Sagittarius rising. Horrible, but mostly true.)
I'm not a huge fan of romance, but this was ok.
( I prefer friendship and whereas I hugely enjoy sex, I'd rather have a friend. A best friend with sex and honesty forever is what I really want.)
Funny, right now I am listening to Martin Sexton singing Prince's "Purple Rain".(Martin Sexton kick ass, by the way. He's my new fave.)
"Never want to be your wicked lover . Only want to be some kind of friend."How appropriate. (And this attribute of my being is related to the fact that I have my Sun, Venus and Jupiter in Aquarius.)
I am so predictable. Evidently Charlie told Michael (the roommate) that it was "the perfect Mom movie". Ghag. (The guys tend to mercilessly mock my movie choices.)
So then I was feeling like a pathetic middle-aged woman for all of 10 minutes. But I 'm over it.
I'd really like to be dancing again.
The last guy I was with hated my dancing and singing. Not sure why, but I began to feel grotesque whenever I did either.
And they are my favorite activities. They are what I do when everyone is out of the house. I sing and dance and act silly.
The other thing is that dancing is not a mating ritual for me. It is joy in my body spilling out, but I don't want to have it be strictly sexual, although there is an element of sexuality in everything I do just because that's the basis. Eros.
[Why is eros so frought with unpleasantness in our culture? Or is it just me? When I was, oh, 3 or 4 years old I used to like to put records (from my collection of light classical music) on my tiny suitcase phonograph and dance. One of my favorites was Richard Strauss' "Dance of the Seven Veils."I would get naked, tie a bunch of my mothers scarves around me and do a strip. Where did I get that from? (Remember, this was in 1953 or 1954. We just did not have access to that sort of information.)]
I know I was full of erotic feelings as a child. It has to be a natural innocent thing, right? I know this sprang from the core of my being, but the grownups did not approve of it. It caused me no end of trouble. (That plus wanting to do things my own way)
I believe humans are by nature erotic, innovative, curious, inventive.
Then howcome we allowed ourselves to be bullied by a God who does not like us the way we are created? Makes no sense to me.
Just like in this movie (remember the movie?) Scott nearly allowed himself to be bullied by "the powers that be" into doing things in the approved way, but the human spirit triumphed in the end..
OK, cynics, I know. That is formulaic and trite. But we love it because it feeds out spirits.

Sunday, June 18, 2006


Summertime, summertime!
I can't even write about it right now because I am too relaxed and my mind is just humming silkily along.
Went to Brian and Sari's yesterday for a barbeque. Father's Day. All my sibs were there and my nasty, cute little mom, Sam, Charlie and Carisa, Theo and Michelle and Leone Lomax, plus both Sari's parents and their respective others. And her sister Amy, with husband and kids. And other people, but I forget who they were right now. Oodles of lovely food, as usual.
Today we went to Alan's and swam in his new pond, which is still a mudhole. But the water was the perfect temperature for such a hot day.I did somersaults and floated. nearly fell asleep in the water I was so relaxed. Still am. Theresa and her mom, Josie were there. Alan and Kelly, of course. Sam and me. Then Leone Lomax and his parents. And a bunch of other people off and on. And there were Sabrett's hot dogs and deli salads, which are essence d'ete if you ask me. (Lowbrow!)
All in all I wonder if I am dead and actually in Paradise. It seems that way.
And it's getting better.

Friday, June 16, 2006


I spent the day with these two, Michelle, my son Theo's "other"and my grandson, Leone Lomax. We went out to lunch and did some shopping and it was lovely.(I got some nice clothes on sale!)
We did a lot of "women talk" which I don't get too much of with the guys. I love it! I forgot how nice it is. Michelle and I are very comfortable with each other.
And the baby! Oooh! I went around Target telling strangers "This is my grandson, Leone!"
Now, when I was in my 20's there was nothing more I wanted than to be a grandmother. I'd wear 40's dresses and granny shoes and granny glasses and bake cookies etc.
Now, finally, I am a grandmother. All good things come to those who wait.
I'm glad to be alive.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Monday-Wednesday-Friday Class

Nude modelling used to be my main income source. I like doing it. It's easy, contemplative and I get to be naked at work.
I like to pretend I am a tree or a rock and see how my imagining affects the resultant pictures. It often does, believe it or not.
Anyway I got a gig at the University of Calfornia at Stanislaus. I was staying with Sam while he was in school there.
There was a Monday-Wednesday-Friday class and a Tuesday-Thursday class.
The m/w/f class comprised non-traditional students; older people, immigrants, handicapped people. The instructor was a charming Italian gentleman.
The T/T class, on the other hand, were all freshman, all thin and all white. The instructor there was a tight little Englishman with a stick up his butt.
On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I felt warm, relaxed, and beautiful. In the drawings and paintings of this class I was beautiful and you could see my tree-and rock thoughts come through. The instructor would point to a portion of my anatomy and say "Look at that beautiful curve", etc.
Tuesdays and Thursdays I was grotesque, pathetic and laughable. The students could scarcely look at me anf the instructor could barely bring himself to say the word "B- b-b-b-b-b-breast."
I am fat and old and battered. I veer between hideous and exquisite. I love being with people who are broken enough to see and appreciate that.

Monday, June 12, 2006

My lovely garden courtesy of the guys

I hate to brag, but I have the most wonderful sons in the universe. This is what they (mostly Charlie) are doing with the excavation site from putting in the French drain last summer. Almost all of these rocks came out of the ground when the backhoe was here. Funny, there seem to be just enough rocks to finish the project.
We are putting lots of plants in too, so I will post some pics later when they grow.