Quest for Clarity

Making sense of life, the Universe and Myself.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Post Thanksgiving Demolition Derby

This is what has been happening here since Thanksgiving. Charlie got back from Curacao and Sam, Ben and he got busy tearing down the walls that separated my old room from the livingroom, and the wall where the kitchen sink used to go. There were heaps of rubble and clouds of dust, but they got it all cleaned up and now we are basking in a more spacious, functional living area. There is plenty more work to be done.

Friday, November 25, 2005


I am feeling particularly muddy right now.A lot of things are tumbling around in my head and I feel thankful to be able to have the time and space to sort through them.
I wrote the following letter to a woman whose father had commutted suicide in 2002.
Yesterday she posted some pictures of him on 'flickr' and wrote about what she was going through. He died on Nov. 25) She had a link to her blog which contains excerpts from his journals, and from hers as well.
She had placed me on her list of contacts, and I had corresponded with her on other matters, so I felt emboldened to write in such a personal manner. Here is what I wrote:

"My father died just after his 85th birthday in 2001. As far as I was concerned, it was a suicide, as he made it very clear that he did not want to live any more. I stayed with him for the year before he died. He had a titanium constitution and could have brought himself back to health, had he chosen to. I offered him many options, but he said "Leave me alone, I'm an old man." So by the time he died I was at peace with his decision, but I am a little annoyed with him as I would have liked to travel around with him and show him some sights. (ooh, thanks.I needed to say these things.) "

Even so there is so much more I can say. I basically feel at peace with him now although I still wish he had wanted to live. I guess it is more poignant at the holidays and with what would have been his great-grandchild due in April.
Sometimes I wonder if he was right. Maybe life is not worth it. Maybe I should move on and make room for new people. Maybe ...But I just am too interested in "what comes next". To me life is a puzzle or a game and just because it is hard, that's no reason to give up.
They say if a person can stay alive for the next 20 years, they have a good chance at immortality. Some people don't like the idea. I love it. I say if you get tired of life, take a nap or do s0mething totally silly.When you come back you will feel refreshed. Some people think it would be better to check out other realms, but I know you can access them all by tuning to the Within..
Oh, whatever...this is just what I am thinking about today. Feel free to ignore it or talk amongst yourselves.
Looking forward to the big family Thanksgiving at Brian and Sari's tomorrow. Yesterday we had thanksgiving proper at Theo and Michelle's. It was super. The guys outdid themselves with a huge organic turkey from Fleischers, sausage stuffing and greens. Theresa (Michelles friend, Alans roommate, and our adopted family member) made fabulous candied yams, and Theo and Michell made lovely salad w/gorgonzola and walnuts, had stacks of pies (pumpkin, peach, sweet potato and apple.) and maybe something else but I forget. I brought HaagenDaz vanilla and dolce de leche. Plus I made absolutely marvelous gravy from the amazing turkey juices. Pig out! Sam and Ben promptly fell asleep.
Michelle and I started to play 500 rummy but then got distracted by other things. Ben demonstrated some Tragerwork (a form of gentle massage.) People read from various books. Thnigs were discussed.It was very good.
I guess I'd better get to sleep now in preparation for "another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat."Ta-ta for now.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

ramble on thanks

Well, its 4:42 AM here in Gardiner. The dogs are fed already. They were really hungry because they puked up all their dinner last night. OK, sorry, but...They are essentially vegetarian dogs who get half an apple or banana and a tbsp of vanilla yogurt cut into their kibble at each meal . I gave them some hamburger because to me dog = wolf. Apparently not so. Most dogs are domestic creatures.
My dogs favored the wolf side, for the most part. Independent, but loved to play.
Anyway, I want to write about peculiarities in my personality. I see myself as 360 degrees of possibility and am totally aware of the fact that wherever I am at, the opposite position also holds true for me, and I will find myself occupying it sooner or later. I prefer to own my shadow. I don't dump it onto other people. I cherish it. Nurture it. Feed it.
Yesterday Ben and I went to Boston Market for a lunch-ish meal. I had never been there, but my Mom and Patty always have jars of their gravy on hand and it is delish! I had the Angus meat loaf and green beans, Ben had half a chicken and corn and we both had mashed potatoes and gravy. Yum! Plus seriously sweet corn muffins. We ate overlooking the spectacular snow-covered Catskill mountains, then went to Wal-mart and bought 'Ikea lite' shelves for my new bedroom. They are stylish, functional and cheap as f**k. Good enough.
But back to the food. Now at our house, we tend to high nutrition, low prep foods such as quinoa, kale, salads, salmon and venison.(Dr. Sam) Functional and yummy. But, still, I love to eat cheap, 'bad' food. Sabretts hot dogs. Kraft dinners, potato chips and soda...etc.I tire of them rather quickly, but feel a certain benefit from eating them. What's up with that?
When I was a kid My parents fed us with the best food, lots of vegetables, big salads, lean meats, etc. We loved eating vegetables and used to vie to drink the spinach water left in the serving bowl. My father is Sicilian and his mother was possibly the best cook ever, and my mother is a very efficient functional kitchen person. Between them they fueled 6 growing kids excellently. (A big job I must say).
Anyway, that didn't stop me from going on kicks where I would eat, say, Chef Boy-ar-dee ravioli cold out of the can for lunch for a week straight. Or Cheeze-Whiz on Pepperidge Farm white toast. Fluffernutters. My cousin Cookie and I used to eat matches. One time we ate an entire can of Betty Crocker chocolate frosting.
The point is...well you know, I'm not quite sure..But I think it has something to do with finding every aspect of life to be interesting and enjoyable. I think that might be what thanksgiving is all about. Somewhere in the New Testament it says to be thankful for all things- not just the "good" stuff. ALL THINGS. Goes along with "Fear no evil" and "Love your enemy". Just a thought, perhaps, but a useful one. Especially now.
One great story in the New Testament is where Peter is shown, in a vision, a cloth filled with all sorts of "unclean" foods. Not Kosher. He is told to eat, but he says no because it is forbidden by law, but the vision says "What God has cleansed, don't call it unclean", so he eats.
Oh don't take my word for it. The story is in Acts chapter 10. The New Testament contains many things which have proved very useful to me throughout this wild ride I call my life. I am, like, a c**k-sucking christian.
Well, on that note, I am off to bed once again. Be seein' y'all real soon. Happy Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 21, 2005


Originally uploaded by ladybabymama.

I am having a great time out here at Linda and Dawn's place. They are gone to Curaco for a week and I am sitting the dogs. This house is fun. I spent yesterday afternoon in the hot-tub. Watched a bit of TV. Ho hum, la di da...there are lots of movies. I wish I had Myst 2 and 4 to play. Life is good.
I have a lot of inner work to do. My soul feels torn up and shaken around. I figure that's got to be a good thing.
The entire world feels like that right now and it seems like it could sure use some rearrangement as well.The only place to find peace is within so I'm headed there right now.'til later...

OK, my brother Alan was just here for lunch. We were talking about family. For me, I liked the brother/sister/cousin aspects of family, but had no interest in the grownups with all their rules. I liked older people OK if they would tell stories from when they were kids, or if they would play with us like my uncle John used to.

I think I would like a world where we could stay at 17 forever. We could certainly find a way to feed ourselves and keep the electric running so we could play music. One idea I had was that we could all move into universities. They are great setups with heating plants, food preparation areas, sleeping facilities and plenty of access to information. Usually there are swimming pools and athletic equipment. Paradise.

I like Rainbow Gatherings because they are like that. With no rules, no money, no "grownups"yet it all works astoundingly well because almost everyone is on the same trip.

Kids seem way smarter than grownups . I get along fine with kids and really old people and animals. This "RealWorld" of jobs and grownups and bills and taxes is soul-numbingly tedious to me. I go into a semi-coma whenever I get within 20 feet of it. Do you suppose there is something wrong with me?

My prevailing fantasy is that I am the Queen of the Dead. The land of the dead is cool because you don't have to be afraid of dying. You are already there. You can't go to hell. Anything goes. Plus there is all the time in the world for anything at all. Eternities..Aeons. You could devote a billion years to studying beetles what? Whatever. Do you think it would be boring? You could sleep for a million years if you wanted, too. Sure, you could be a businessman if that is what you'd like. Whatever.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Lots of excitement around here..

The guys have begun the house renovations we have been talking about since we moved into this place last year. They moved the kitchen sink, tore out the old floor, tore down the walls surrounding the stove and fridge, put new doors where the old garage doors were,( which should make it warmer in the house). Meanwhile, they are finishing Sam's room and office space...gyproc. electric, sanding, floors, etc. I gotta go now..things to do. Just wanted to report how it is going around here.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


I am just doing exactly as I please all the time. I feel as if I am actually a dead person ( The queen of the dead, night of the living dead, grateful dead )and that the only reason I am spending time in this world is that I have infinity and eternity to work in and thus cannot “waste time”and I find this realm interesting for many reasons. Most of the time. Everything I am doing is for the greater glory of Divinity and for the highest good of all sentient beings, so how can I go wrong? I find it very difficult to get too concerned about it all either. Maybe I've died and gone to heaven?

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Chaos theory

Chos is the normal state of my life. As a matter of fact, it is very stable and secure. I can count on it.
Today we have Zora visiting from BC, (Ben's friend) a delightful woman in her 50's (like me) . Theo and Michell came to visit, we all decided to have dinner together. I went shopping; they all scattered .
I am cooking roast beef, potatoes, peas and gravy instead of our usual weird food because I know this will give a sense of red-blooded normalcy. Michelle is stressed about being pregnant....
Zora is intense and interesting to talk with because she experiences very similar dilemmas. She has 3 kids, is close to my age, is an artist etc.
Anyway she is staying in what is my room (but I am in the process of moving out of it into Theo's old room. This morning she took some pictures while she was in there, which are posted here. A picture of her and some of stuff on my shelves...
I am a little too busy to write too much now, but the pictures say a lot.

Saturday, November 05, 2005


It seems to me that the most amazing thing in the world is to have a Self. I mean your Self is always there for you, is endlessly fascinating, and will always be on your side if you let it. Yet we are taught to deny this Self, force ourSelves to do things we don't really want to do and certainly to never let on that we think we are wonderful...Why? There are certain people who want you to not trust yourSelf and listen to yourSelf. These are the same people who want you to trust them and listen to them. Religious figures. Politicians. Teachers.This makes no sense to me.
This issue is coming up for me quite a bit lately...

Where do we go from here?

Still dithering . We have a visitor form BC, Zora. She and Ben are talking Art right now. I am looking at flickr pictures and listening to them talk. There was a discussion on flickr about papier mache as a building material.. I have used papier mache as a sculpture material and am setting up to do so again. It is fun and assuages my human guilt at garbage. I had a real problem concerning waste. My journals were filled with "Garbage into Gold" rants. Trash as resource...Human "trash" as well as material. I figure it is all in how you look at it. I used to drive Dodge 'Darts' because there were a lot of them around and they were easy to work on. I'd get a couple of guys over, buy some beer and change the transmission or whatever. A come-along, a tripod and - voila!
\ Anyway, I found lots of stuff about papier-mache as building material.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

feel free to skip this part. It might get better. Not sure though.

This blog is named "Quest for Clarity". I am deep in some mental and spiritual fog at this point in my life.

"In the middle of our life's way
I found myself in a wood so dark
That I couldn't tell where the straight path lay."
Dante's Inferno
Canto 1 verses 1-3

It seems that no one finds themselves in Dante's position these days.(Except me)

Everyone seems very sure of what is TRUE (Except me)
???(Of course there is a lot more information now.
People may just be smarter?)???

People loudly proclaim their own views.

I listen to many different points of view.

I readily see other peoples points.

I might not adopt them myself, but I see them.

Thus, I often feel like a "chameleon on a plaid blanket".

This has become so uncomfortable for me.

I stay out of society as much as I possibly can.

I don't think I can get the hang of this "being human".

Everyone else seems so confident .

( I have a lot to learn. Always at "Beginner mind".)

I guess that is good. Does anyone else feel this quandary?

Is life confusing for other people?

(Plus I am having a hard enough time figuring out the how-to's of this blogging business.

Clarity of thought will have to come later, once I get the hang of this.)

I don't actually believe anybody is reading this, so it shouldn't matter if I seem stupid.
Or boring.

OK I understand now that this blogger only works properly for me in mozilla. That makes this thing a whole lot easier. (Whew!)

Whenever I am learning something new it throws my whole system off for a while. (This has happened to me many times before, so I know). After a while I will be blithely blogging. Easily editing. Delightedly downloading. Or whatever.

In case anybody should read this, I am goofing around here,

I am playing with blogger features. I learn best by playing. What I do

while learning probably looks dorky. Who cares?

I remember- this is what it is like to be a kid. I can remember just to relax and have fun with it all.