Quest for Clarity

Making sense of life, the Universe and Myself.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Go Ahead—Sleep With Your Kids - The urge is natural. Surrender to it. By Robert Wright

Go Ahead—Sleep With Your Kids - The urge is natural. Surrender to it. By Robert Wright
This morning we ran out of oil, and the house is cold. This triggered an astonishing but not uncommon reaction in me. Hopelessness. This is a very familiar feeling.
I fall into immediate despair and a feeling of being stuck in a pattern that I am unable to change.
I feel like I am being punished and that there is no way I can ever make up for whatever heinous thing I am guilty of.
No matter how good I try to be, I will inevitably end up cold and lonely.
I was born in on January 26 in Pennsylvania. Winter. After a nightmare of a birth experience - three days of induced labor - inflicted by the "expert" doctors for their convenience, my parents put me on one of these regimes like the experts in this article advise. Ferberised. Whatever. Leaving an infant out in the cold was said to be healthy, as was letting a baby cry until the next scheduled feeding.
I have recurring flashbacks of being in my carriage, cold, lonely, hungry and unable to do anything about it.
I continually have recreated this scenario in my life without realizing why. I feel ilke that is all I deserve. My parents, who must love me (right?) would not leave my out in the cold for long stretches of time unless I had done something wrong..
Therefor I must be unworthy. Maybe if I try harder? But there are no clues...
What to do?
Finally I retreat into my inner fantasy world where I am welcome and worthy and people delight to have me with them.
I spend more and more time in this fantasy world until now, I would much rather be there than in this world. Where are the joys of this realm?
If am fated to continually find myself cold and lonely, then what is the use? Maybe there is a heaven and I will find comfort there. A sincere welcome.
The guys want me to go to my brothers as it would be warm there, but my "little" self points out that the last time I went there for shelter, I was made to sleep out in the van in a blizzard because the woman who was living with him didn't want me in her house.
Another year is impending and I don't know if I want to bother at all.
When I had kids I did everything in my power to ensure that they would not experience this despair. I had natural childbirth, welcomed them in to the world and slept with them happily. They are all delightful humans, and feel connected to their world.
Reading the article above is dismaying. I thought these practices were in the distant past. These child-raising "experts" are evildoers who promote a cold, lifeless, despairing world. There is a "learned helplessness"when a child has no power to communicate and have his/her needs met. This in turn promotes dependence on "experts" and Voila! VICIOUS CIRCLE!


The guys were raggin' on me about never going out of the house. (Not true. I go out sometimes. Rarely. OK.Very rarely.)
What would I be doing if I were to go out? Engaging Target employees in impromptu '80's style dance routines? Haranguing passers-by on street corners? Looking at MORE stuff?
I dunno. I like my inside world. Whenever I do go out, I have a nice time, but I'm just not into gratuitous "going out". There is plenty of time for that, I imagine, and when I'm ready, out I'll go. Until then, here I'll be.

Friday, December 30, 2005


I am making a choice here. The new year is coming up and I am starting to feel some stirrings. Part of me just wants to head out... "Cloud-hidden, whereabouts unknown".
The other part wants to stay in one place long enough to make sense of where I have been and what I have been doing for the past 49 years. Yes I realize I am almost 56 years old. The reason I say 49 years is that I was in one place for most of the first 7 years of my life. Plus 49 is a jubilee year. I spent my real Jubilee Year on the West Coast in hostels and homeless shelters, so I'm taking this year to make up for it. I really had no time back then for reflection and assessment .

This year I want to put it all down in black and white and living color . I want to see my life spread out. I want to actually unpack by baggage and sort through it.
I have collected a lot of interesting material throughout my life . I have been thinking about dumping it all, cashing in my chips and startin over.
Sometimes I am almost persuaded that my life is utterly useless, worthless, a waste of time and energy.
But there is a part of me that is delighted by it all and in the secret recesses of my being, I relish the memories . Some of my most transcendent and healing experiences have transpired in the most inauspicious settings. I have found acceptance and comfort among the most despised people in society. They are not dregs to me and I am not garbage to myself either. Love is the true gold no matter where it is found.
Which is why I am giving this one year.
I have to believe there is value in communication. I have to believe there are "men of good will" in all socioeconomic classes, not just the lowest. I have to believe my life has value and will not be dismissed as trash by the critics of society.
So I guess I will be writing more in this Blogger thing here.

Thursday, December 29, 2005


This is a test post from flickr, a fancy photo sharing thing.


As the New Year approaches, I am thinking about what I want to have in my life. I would definitely say community involvement. I was reading excerpts from The Beginner's Guide to Community-Based Arts by Keith Knight (my favorite cartoonist) and thinking about conversations with an aquaintance over the christmas weekend. He has a brother in the Twelve Tribes and there is a great deal of controversy and contention concerning this organization and their practices. The parents of this family were at The Farm in Tennessee and the boys apparently spent much of their formative years there.
Anyway, this person was talking against the "Me " Generation (Hey! Talkin' 'bout MY generation!)I guess he thinks joining groups to complain about other groups is the way to go. I personally think that the Self is the most glorious of Natures creations and when encountering another person, that's what I want to be communicating with.The person's real Self. Who they really are. What they truly feel and believe. Not some other guy's (guru, leader, expert) ideology or whatnot.

So what does this have to do with the impending New Year ? Not sure, but it indicates the area of focus. Selves. The individual. I am on great terms with my own Self and would like to connect with others Selves, I guess. That's about it.
(Oh, yeah. For me it is what's inside that counts. I see stuff differently than other people so I am not gonna be impressed by looks, titles or money. .a quirky sort, me.)

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Embracing "reality" vs. passing through it.

Oh, quit yer whining! it's nowhere near that bad, now, is it?
It is if you take it too seriously and become too identified with it. A certain amount of detachment is needed.
(I feel compelled to confess that I am a person who does cryptic crosswords and anagrams and all manner of difficult games and puzzles. I whine about how hard they are while I am doing them but I always finish and can't wait for more. But there is a great deal of detachment and the choice is mine to complete them or just toss 'em.)
I have been remiss in my blogging. I guess it is because I have been spending more time "out" among people. Which means having to communicate, to a certain degree. Which means having my brakes on much of the time, which is tiring.
I am learning to stay in neutral, but then, why be among people at all? There is something to it, though, I suppose. Listen and learn. There is more than meets the eye.
This being human business is pretty complex. Interesting, though. I imagine if I learned to play the game properly it might be a lot of fun as well. Business, socializing, etc.
I love puzzles and games, and the human sphere can be looked upon as all that and more.
I guess have been hesitating about writing because my thoughts and feelings were a little too chaotic for a while. I was faced with the choice of feeling rejected and unwelcomed and I declined it.

So, I'm back on the page again. I suppose the thing would be to stick with the struggle and not be afraid to be exposed during the process. I just feel too vulnerable.