Woodstock rambling

I went into Woodstock this evening to see this movie.
It was made by David McDonald. I really liked it as it gave a good view into the history and character (and characters!) of this delightful town.

I went partly because I was hoping to find out about some concerts I used to go to back in the late '60's. Perhaps it was these concerts but I am still not sure. I don't remember any buildings...I asked David McDonald and he suggested I might have been to the "sound outs"(.sound outs" of the mid-1960s, a series of deliberately low-key concerts by Woodstock rockers-in-residence like Jimi Hendrix and the Band on a farm along Glasco Turnpike that, McDonald believes, served as the inspiration for the 1969 festival.)...hmm..

Oh well.

I grew up in Peekskill, and as a teenager, used to go with older friends up to Woodstock to hang out and go hiking.
I remember going down into one gorge where there were waterfalls. One time this girl named Margo took off her clothes and some guy remarked how Margo liked to parade her funky body around. I thought he was rude and that Margo was lovely.
There was a great second hand store on Tinker Street and a restaurant called the Elephant, (that had super hamburgers on sesame seed buns) up the other way near where the Colony Cafe is.

Woodstock was and is basically a small town in the mountains. So, in 1969,when they were advertising the "Woodstock Music and Art Fair"my expectations were much more intimate and esoteric than what actually happened.
My parents said I could use the VW bus if I took my kid sisters with me, which was fine. My friend Geraldine came too. The parents packed the car full of food, blankets, first-aid supplies, etc.
We headed out, over the Bear Mountain extension, over the bridge etc.
As we headed up the Quickway I began to realize things were unusual. The traffic became extraordinarily thick for that part of the world.
By the time we got on the road to White Lake , which was hilly and winding, it was pretty well a traffic jam. Bad for the VW clutch.
When we got into the town it became clear that parking would be a major issue. Lo, off to the left was a lovely churchyard shaded with spruce trees (?) and no one was parked there. So I pulled in, the doors opened and my little sisters lit outa there so fast...!
Yeesh. Being the oldest, the responsible one, and the one with the keys to the VW I figured I 'd better stick around in case one of them came back or something.
So I never did see the music, but I had a great time anyway. Each morning I made a pot of coffee and brought a cup to the policeman directing traffic on the street. I walked around, talked to people, did a lot of mescaline, hooked up with a nice guy from Connecticut, swam in a nearby pond, invited people into "my" churchyard ( it never did fill up..wonder why?) for meals.

So that's my Woodstock story. Boring I guess, but I enjoyed it.

On the way back, Geraldine drove. I was laying on the floor in back. We were headed down the Quickway when suddenly I heard strange noise. I told Gerry to slow down- good thing she did. The entire wheel on the drivers side fell off and we skidded to a stop on the brake cylinder. Ruined it. We came to a stop beside a very steep drop-off. Waited until a policeman called a tow-truck for us.
We had to spend three days in the junkyard near the garage waiting for the spare cylinder to arrive. That was fun. We each had our own Nash Rambler with reclining seats to sleep in, if I recall correctly. ( I probably don't.) ( Oh well. I guess I will get other versions of this in the comments ,which is fine.)

Ferdinand

"Ferdinand the Bull" by Munro Leaf was one of my favorite books when I was a kid. I had total resonance with his position. I, too, prefer a quiet, contemplative approach to life. I like fooling around, but only as a little frolic, not combat practice.
I don't think sex or violence should be repressed or made taboo. Then they seem to gain power and eventually blow up all out of proportion.
I think to play at them is healthy. It lets off steam and puts things in proper perspective. We may have brutish components in our composition but they can be sources of fun rather than sources of pain or disharmony. Humans have multifacers and dimensions. No sense getting stuck in a limiting ones.
(Say, if you want to read the story of Ferdinand, click on the highlighted link at the top of the post. When you get to the page, which is bright red, click on the little picture of the bull on the right to go forward in the book.)

Flemming Funch

Before I go any further I just need to stop and pay tribute to this person.
His marvelous works on the web have taken me to places I could only dream of at one point in my life.
When I first discovered the internet in 1998 , I would type in things I wished to be so. (Usually I found them.)
When I wished for World Transformation this is what I found. Back then it was a revelation. Now he puts his energies here and here and here. Probably lots more I don't know about. I used to think he came from the future or another dimension.
In 1999/2000 I was in near despair in San Diego. Flemming was living in LA at the time. I was reading his works on almost a daily basis and regarded him as a shining light. I couldn't think of anyone I trusted as much, so I gave him a call. He took time out of his busy life to talk to me for quite a while. He said what I needed to hear to gain a new perspective and new hope to go on with life. I just want to say thanks.

Treasure

To my mind, "laying up treasure in the kingdom of heaven" is synonymous with the practice of
Self-development.
You know how they say "You can't take it with you"? Well, I am very sure you can take it with you if you've made it part of who you are.
If for instance you are, oh say, abducted by aliens (:-D) or kidnapped by terrorists(;-o) or someone puts a weird drug in your drink or if you actually find yourself dead and in another world , your bank account or fancy car aren't going to do you much good.
But the spiritual and mental resources you have made a part of your being by study and practice will go with you anywhere. And I believe the best area for study is your own Self. The kingdom of heaven is within.
I use examples from Jesus' teachings because they are familiar in our culture. Not because I am affiliated with any religion. (:-c)
I guess what I am saying is a person needs to pay attention to their own self and not to the outside world.

I'm a Loser Baby. Oh well...

Oops! I did it again. No matter how good my intentions, I always manage to fuck up. Oh well! So get to be a dead person again.
It is getting familiar and comfortable to be here. I enjoyed the day and got a lot of work done on some projects that I'd put on hold during my foray into the land of the "living".
Had a delightful exchange with a person who is interested in my point of view and shares many outlooks and interests. We started on what may be a very fruitful collaboration.
It's a big world and there are many dimensions and levels to operate out of. If there is one lesson I've learned over the past 10 years or so is to be on my own side no matter what.
It's funny how lessons get repeated over and over until one "gets" them.
My lesson is to be true to myself even if it seems like the entire world is against me.
I see the temptation at times like these to fall ill in a subconcious desire for sympathy.
I could imagine lying dead in my coffin. Goodbye cruel world! Sob!
But, life goes on and I for one am delighted.

Imagining the Future

At Alan's yesterday what stands out for me is a discussion about why someone wouldn't want to live forever.
Economic issues seemed to be the main concern. Some people seem worried that they would not be able to support themselves as they got older and older. Others were concerned about health issues.
Patty's dream is a symptom of those fears, I think.
I wonder, why imagine that sort of eternity at all? What would lead one to suppose that the "reality" they are experiencing is all there is to experience? Why envision the "same old"? Why not new improved and infinitely improvable? Think Different.

I am these guys

For the past couple of winters these guys have been big for me. Love them. I felt myself to be part of a lovely fraternity with these dudes. Our royal doofiness. C'est moi.
The guy in the picture above is Gary Brolsma, who I fell totally in love with...love at first sight. Evidently a lot of other people did too.
Then there is this guy. Same song, different approach.

Cubic

This is hilarious. Check it out!

Free Fall

This weekend is a big family get together for the twins birthday. Last night the gang was gathered at Brian and Sari's house.

What stands out for me is my sister Patty telling me about a dream she had where she was falling through the Void (I presume, from her description.)
She saw at a distance what looked like a filmy colorful scarf. As she got closer she saw there was a raggedy hole in it. Closer still and she saw the "scarf" consisted of people all hanging on to each other by their hands and feet, forming a net. As she fell toward the net of people, she saw that she would fall through the net, perhaps to her doom, unless she could grasp and be grasped by the net-people.
And so she was and became part of their design. Their tapestry. Which is cool.

If it was my dream it would be different.
I would know in my dream that falling is all there is and all there ever is
I would dive through the hole and loop around and up and down and north, south, east and west and ana and kata and alpha and omega.
I would swoop and soar and loop-the-loop and barrel roll, and sometimes simply float.
I would take interest in the formations around me, and everything else as well.
Or I would have no interest and blankly hum to myself.
Falling forever is 360+ degrees of freedom. Not at all scary. Way fun, truly.

More than a mother to me.

Parenting is a role; and a pretty thankless one at times I must say.
Thank goodness a person is much more than a role.
A persons own Self is fascinating and satisfying to me. Where they've been and what lives inside them. Themes.Patterns. Magical Events. Mysterious, intricate, deeply woven into the fabric of life.
As far back as I can remember I have loved this person, not because she is my mother but because, oh, she would sing phrases from popular songs at the drop of a hat, tell funny stories, talk to me like I was a real person and not a kid, sometimes, and hang out with her friends and play Scrabble and laugh it up.
She devours murder mysteries, loves to swim, does crossword puzzles, has a wicked sense of humor, has great stories about her childhood, adolescence ,working years and early parenting. I have seen her in a variety of roles and occasionally without a mask.
She takes a great interest in the world around her. (Especially gruesome stuff!) Has unique opinions and curiosities and history.
There is more to her than meets the eye. She is not just a cute 85 year old.
Was the first person I loved. Is a real person that I like to know now.

The Practical Hippie

The Practical Hippie
This woman has such a nifty site. There is a lot to it.

Self Centered

I am a Self centered person. It is my religion.
To me religion is that which you can rely on. It is what does not change. And my experience is that, wherever I go, there I am.
If I am at peace with myself, then my world is peaceful no matter what is going on all around me. It's not always easy, however.
To be at peace with one's Self is life's big challenge. We are taught that being self centered is wrong, unacceptable and unloveable. We are taught that something or someone outside us gets to say whether we are all right or not. We jump through hoops to get good grades or gold stars or love and approval, etc.
I think knowing yourSelf and being true to yourSelf is the most ethical way to live. If you truly love yourself then you can see the Self of another person and from this knowledge flows gratitude, empathy and forgiveness.

"I am that I am"

Translation from an ancient Egyptian text carved into a doorway, a sacred place.

"I have, at last, reached MY goal,

And solved the secret of MY soul.

I am THAT, to whom I prayed,

THAT, to whom I looked for aid.

I am THAT, whom I did seek.

I am MY own mountain peak.

I, upon creation look,

As a page from MY own book.

For I am the ONE, the many make,

Of substance, which from ME I take.

For ALL is ME, there are not two,

Creation is MYSELF, all through.

What I grant, unto MYSELF,

I just take, from MYSELF.

And give it to ME, the only ONE,

For I am the Father, and the Son.

What I want, I do but see,

MY wishes flowing forth from ME.

For I am the knower, and the known,

Subject, ruler, and the throne.

The three in ONE, is what I am,

And hell itself is but a dam,

That I did put in MY own stream,

When in a nightmare, I did dream.

That I did dream;

That I was not the only ONE,

And thus by ME, was doubt begun,

Which ran its course, 'til I awoke,

And found that I, with ME, did joke.

So now, that I do stand awake,

MY throne, I do surely take,

And rule MY kingdom, which is ME,

The master, through eternity."

The cool thing about there being so many of us Selves is that it makes for a proliferation of interesting stories and potential combinations. It makes the prospect of Eternity more enjoyable. Never a dull moment, this way.

In our hands

(This image is from my collage box. I didn't do it and I don't know who did.But I just love it. It says so much.)

This is a Valentine's Day message to whoever reads this.
I am glad to be living in such an awesome and interesting country and such an awesome and interesting world. We are all in it together and together we make it what it is. And, really, that is not so bad and is getting better all the time, as far as I can tell.
Here's to the good times yet to come!

Look not mournfully into the past, it comes not back again. Wisely improve the present, it is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future without fear and with a manly heart.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Can of worms

Earthworms are very benificent creatures:
Charles Darwin said "...it may be doubted if there are any other animals which have played such an important part in the history of the world as these lowly organized creatures."

So "Opening a can of worms" is a good thing, it seems.
Earthworms eat up rotting matter and their shit is a wonderful soil nutrient.
Nothing to fear there, I'd say.

I'm an artist. I don't look back.

OK. Obviously I do look back. But why?
Is there anything there that will help me on my journey, or am I just wasting time?
I guess I was thinking that looking back and understanding would give me grist for the mill, but, really, what do I want to create? The same old same old?
No. I got at least one foot in the promised land, and lordy lord, I am coming through!

Cinematherapy

It may just seem like I'm laying around watching movies, but it is actually cinematherapy.
I have really been enjoying my 'Netflix" membership. Watching movies has helped me deal with painful issues in my life and to be kinder to myself. I was having guilt trips and while the larger part of myself Knew better, there was part of me that needed reassuring.
Thanks to Larry David of "Curb Your Enthusiasm", the writers and crew of "Six Feet Under" , Tod Solondz, writer and director of Palindromes and Welcome To the Dollhouse.
I was transformed by David Blaine's "Fearless", amused and bemused by "The Aristocrats" , revivified by "Pleasantville.
One of the most important thing I am getting out of this regimen is the sense that it is OK to be myself and do what I love and express my point of view without being vilified or punished for it. That alone has been a life saver for me. Literally.
I gotta say thank God for the film industry. It is one of the blessings of living in this age of miracles and wonders.

I'll be outstanding in my field

Well. I have been re-inspired in my artwork by some astounding artists.
I hope you take the time to check out their work by clicking on the links above.
They remind me of why I started doing art in the first place.
So I am getting back to the drawing board, which I love.

If you have been reading this blog with good intention then you will have plenty to keep you interested by going to the links provided. Believe me, it is worth the effort. We live in a wonderful and astounding world. This machine I am sitting here in front of, the Memex (better known as a computer) is a magic carpet which can transport you to h -e -a -v -e -n -s or h-e-l-l-s depending on where you steer it. And you are at the wheel.
My links are triptiks to places I have enjoyed and I invite you to enter them and share the joys.
I will be checking in every so often. Please feel free to make comments, of course and I will address them within the context of these pages. My intention here is to promote healthy honest relations, and to make a better world where all are welcome and fulfilled.

Anonymous

On Saturday, December 31, 2005 I wrote a blog about the reappearance of what I consider to be very damaging childraising methods, and how I believe my experience with this method has colored my life. The method in the article I was referring to is known as "Ferberizing", which involved strict feeding and sleeping schedules, and discouraged "coddling". Ferberizing was the standard child raising technique of our culture when I was an infant. My parents were conscientious and they did what they thought best according to the information they had available to them. I am very grateful to both my parents and love them dearly.
I received this comment from an anonymous reader whom I assume is a family member:

Anonymous said...

Patty and I have enjoyed reading your blog. We both feel that your writings have improved in quality and clarity. Yet I find some of your comments puzzling ... lately ideas about what is fact and what is fiction in a person's memoirs seems to be a big topic of discussion. You say "My parents, who must love me (right?) would not leave my out in the cold for long stretches of time unless I had done something wrong." and "When I had kids I did everything in my power to ensure that they would not experience this despair." Did you do everything in your power to save your children from despair? I recall their stories of frost on their faces on desperately cold mornings and days without food.We don't even need to talk about physical abuse. Your children have survived a very challenging childhood and yet they do not seem to hold anything against you. Yet you seem to hold many things against our parents. I don't think you can compare being snugly wrapped in a blanket on a porch in a perambulator... getting some healthful sunshine and fresh air, to freezing despite numerous layers of blankets and clothing because no one got up to light the stove. I think you are somehow blending the lines between what was your experience and what were the experiences of your children. We plan to continue to read and enjoy your blog, but I must say we will look at it as partial fiction.We all are trying to come to grips with our lives and where we have come, as we move into our new middle stages. I think we need to understand and accept both the good and the bad about what we have done in our lives so that we and others may learn from our experiences.

7:44 PM

I feel that my mother and I have a good relationship and understanding of each other and her love has sustained me through difficult times, knowing she had it much worse and came through beautifully.
Perhaps "anonymous"feels the need to to defend my mother, but there is no attack intended. We all find ourselves in a world over which we sometimes have very little control, especially as children. The best we can do for each other is have compassion and understanding.

Having said that, I would like to point out that during the time frame when the boys and I did experience cold winters and difficult conditions they were teenagers and we all shared the same experience. Believe me, they had no problem expressing their opinions and desires, or of rectifying the situation for themselves, Each of the boys was quite capable of lighting a fire for himself, cooking a meal or bundling up. During this timeframe, Ben, for example enjoyed survival camping in the snow with his friends. Most of the time the guys were into it.
This is a very different situation from that of a newborn infant who can't say what she needs, or do something about the situation.
NO parent is perfect. We all can complain and that's OK. What is important is to be heard, and not marginalized for saying what you need to say.

Sam writes:

"I told the story of frost on my blanket from my breath. The fire was stoked and fully loaded every night, but the home-made stove was not airtight and it went out 4 hours later.
Parts of our house were insulated with salvaged materials like sawdust, and on some -40 degree Canadian winter nights, the temperature in the house did get below freezing. We were all quite adept at bundling up and had enough blankets.
I tell this story with some pride, describing how we learned to tuck and wrap the blanket over our whole bodies with just our nose and mouth exposed where the frost formed, and how on those nights we would wake in this position in the morning. I was not cold in my blankets, and because I woke first for my 1 hour ride to highschool, I lit the fire almost every weekday morning.
I feel strongly that these types of experiences have allowed me to have a resilience and a different perspective from those who have never really experienced life outside the air-conditioned, thermostatically regulated, commercially-driven experience we know as living in America.
I have had my days like railing at mom for having Whitney, our ex step-father in our life. I experienced one incident of corporal punishment from him as a 17 year old when I was ready to leave the nest. Mom never condoned any corporal punishment, and consistently nurtured our expression, exploration, and the development of our individual identities.
I did feel despair as a teenager, which I think is healthy. It was not despair about a lack of love or nurturing, but with my highschool classmates, the state of the world, or the condition of our ramshackle house.
In those years and subsequently, we have been as loving, nurturing, sharing, honest, and joyful a group as any family I know. If the kind of abuse, deprivation, and lack of nurturing and respect "anonymous" has imagined from our stories (and loves to whip out to keep mom off her high horse) existed, my brothers and I would not be the physically and emotionally healthy, creative, intelligent, sensitive human beings that we are. Neither would our family choose to live together from time to time as we have, which is extremely noteworthy in our atomic family culture.
I think we all have to be careful about the images we paint of each other. I think one of the main reasons "the family" has dissolved in our culture is because of the pigeonholing that happens in families, and the re-emphasis of perceived negative character traits that happens as a result of the the struggle for love, resources, and recognition all humans in relationship to each other.
Ultimately, I believe it is the feeling of being loved, accepted, and cared for, and that an honest attempt to understand and be understood by your parents is what separates a good childhood from a bad one. "

Harper Lee

I love ths woman. She has a great outlook.
(I sincerely hope you've read "To Kill a Mockingbird".) (I'm a bit of a Boo Radley, myself.)
She has written some other articles worthy of note.
I resonated with this one, from which this is a quote :

"If more young people traveled with their eyes and minds open and saw this country, they would have a deeper feeling about it. Adventuring across the country is out of style. Whatever happened to working after school in a grocery store to get enough money to hitchhike to California during your vacation? "

I spent four or five years as an adult travelling by bus or driving or hitchhiking back and forth across this country and Canada. I became intimates with waitresses and truckers, convicts, students, addicts, whores and transients. (Among others.) I have tremendous love for them all which is based on understanding and respect.

When you live among people it's hard to marginalize them or turn them into statistics. People are not numbers. They all are individuals and within the contest of their lives they make sense and deserve consideration, understanding and respect. I know from experience that everyone has gifts to offer and that the least obvious ones are sometimes the best.
Have you seen the movie, "The Mighty?" Well, I loved it.
There are knights and heroes hidden everywhere.

The examined life

"I would be ashamed to admit to the Indians that where I come from the women do not feel themselves capable of raising children until they read the instructions written in a book by a strange man."

-- Jean Liedloff, The Continuum Concept

Everyone makes choices and those choices are the fabric of a person's life. I don't resent or regret anything about my life because my life is who I am. And I like who I am. I am grateful for whatever has made me what I am. But that doesn't mean I can't examine it. There is no point just rolling over and dying without reviewing tho whole thing. Honesty is the best policy as they say. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and points of view and that includes me.

Abortion thoughts

Babies sure are cute. I have to admit that.
Some people just love fetuses..they fight furiously for fetus's rights...bomb abortion clinics, etc.
But for many of those babies once they are in this world, it's another story.
Where are all the fetus lovers then?
Does their money go to feed, house, clothe and educate those ex-fetuses?
Do any of them listen lovingly to those ex-fetuses doubts and fears and reassure them that everything is going to be all right?
Do any of them recognize that ex-fetus's special talents and interests and nurture them so the fetus may blossom into an individual?
Do any of them forgive the ex-fetus's errors and focus on the innate goodness of the ex-fetuses being?
I have four children...sons...I love them dearly and they are wonderful people.
I know the world is a better place because each of them is in it.
They make good friends.
The are individuals.
I was a poor welfare mother most of the time. There were lots of men around. There was even a stepfather for a short period of time. The boys visited freely with the man whose name they bear, among others.
And life was lovely.
I would have gladly had more children.
I love them.
I love their chaotic and quirky ways.
I find their messes fascinating.
I love the noises they make and the way they smell and that love extends past childhood into adulthood.
The guys live with me now and I still adore them.
Yet I had 3 abortions in my life. Each was due to fear of being able to provide adequately for the child-to-be.
This world sometimes seems like a hostile place and at those times a person does not want to bring a child into it.
Rabbits absorb their fetuses if they are disturbed.
The glory of god is the mature individual.
If half the care and resources were put into nurturance rather than punishment and destruction, we would all be living in Paradise.
Humans scarcely scratch the surface of their potential.
At this time all the available time and energy seems to be going into conflict of one sort or another.
If those resources went into tolerance, understanding and nurturance this would be a different world.
Peace and Love are portrayed as rather ludicrous.
Are they? Are competition and deception signs of superiority?
Trusting in goodness is not naivete`.
It is Self confidence.

Wicked

This picture is the logo for the musical, "Wicked".
In general, I am usually the bad guy in any given story...the wicked witch, the evil sorceress, the n'eer do well or whatever. Fortunately I am friends with all portions of myself, which makes it OK with me to play the badass. It can be a fun role, after all. But behind the scenes and at the heart of everything I am the FRIEND.
So here I wait,
An ice-o-late.
It is my fate.
But I do not hate.
Let's make a date.
Let us relate
The emotional freight.
Let's open the gate
And recreate.
It's not too late.
Don't hesitate.
We'll get it straight
Then celebrate.

Melting Ice

The first thing to do when examining one's life is Get Clear About God. The ignorance surrounding this very basic assumption is the source of just about all the problems of this world.
Is God someone looking at you from out there or is it what is looking out?
I tend to be the one that looks out, I am One with the Izness. I am not generall about judging..(unless I am experiencing Judgementalness)
Mostly I am interested in What it is Like being...whatever..There is the "All That Is" and then there is the Particular- and everything in between.
All the different levels are interesting. I guess this includes the one where you are not trusting your inner self and where you rely on some external agent to tell you how you are doing.
In other words it is all good.
So it is OK to relax and enjoy whatever state you are experiencing.
Charlie wrote a song that states:
'TO BE WHERE YOU ARE IS THE HARDEST THING
WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO GET SOMEWHERE.'
Where do we all want to go? Back into the Ocean. Back to the womb, back to the primordial ooze. Sex, drugs and rock and roll.
Back to unmitigated bliss and endless play.
I am a monkey, too.

Base

Getting down to the bottom line...the unexamined life is not worth living , Socrates told us, and I agree. One of the primary functions of the limbo state is to provide the physical and psychological space for the examiner to unpack the contents of their "emotional baggage". A person cannot just keep accumulating experiences without taking some time for evaluation. What is being examined is "Life". That which is doing the examining is looking out of my eyes.

golden years

I have to admit that I have a wonderful life. I am just about always happy. Joyful, even.
However, I do have the little problem with the "Critics".

(These are the internalized 'voices' that tell me I am no good, am doing it wrong,deserve to be punished, am causing harm to others, will never be loved, etc.)

I am getting better at dealing with them and, I hope to be able to do it without having to take time out..do it like breathing..do it without thinking about it.
For the past 5 years I have been at their mercy. Almost every thing I do is viciously attacked by these figments. It has taken me these years to be able to deal with them graciously.

I guess it's a good skill.

Anyway, I just want to express my gratitude for life, and am looking forward to greater participation in the future.

I was trying to sort stuff out before I wrote it here. I guess that was because some people told me they were reading it. I guess I got nervous and stopped writing here and was using my paper journal instead. But I think it would be better if I just wrote here.
For me it is important to stop hiding. Even if I am criticised, it is ok.

If I am forthcoming about the things I think about and do, that can only be healthy.
I always imagine a chorus of critics tearing my work to shreds, though. There is some empirical basis for this belief. But so what? I am what I am and I do the best I can where am at.